There’s no one more judgmental in your life other than your Ma. Therefore, you keep an angelic superficial appearance when she pops in town to treat you to the local Chimes. So, what would happen if, on Tuesday night, she caught a glimpse of the actual piece of shit she always gloats about on Facebook?
7.) *cue sarcasm* “You’re really wearing that out?”:
Here she fucking goes, already patronizing you before even going out, but what’d you expect? Whether you’re in shorts and a T-shirt, tryna find a fuck to give or dressed to the nines, looking like a snack, it just isn’t cutting it for Ma. You ultimately change to her satisfaction because she refuses to pay for the Uber until you look like a proper lady, whatever that means.
6.) “Why are you telling the bouncer you accidently threw your cup away?”:
It’s frinks, but what fun is that when your friends’ “real” Maryland ID is laughed at, leaving them cup-less? You’re not about to leave your friend high and dry in a forsaken sober drought. While lying is not a trait inherited from Ma, loyalty unquestionably is. This is the perfect opportunity for Ma to witness what an ardent friend you are.
5.) *tsk tsk* “If you can’t tip, then you shouldn’t be going out.”:
Ma staahpp, I’m fucking broke and was just personally victimized by my accounting test, let me fucking be. In your defense, when Ma said she had college covered, you presumed the funding of your liver health diminution was also included. You aren’t financially stable enough to buy the bartender a shot, but who really is?
4.) *rolls eyes* “Are you really going to drink wine out of a plastic cup?”:
Ya, Ma, but I’ll ask for a glass if you really want me to be a classy bitch. In her eyes, you are now nothing short of an uncivilized baboon with opposable thumbs at the bottom of the social totem pole. It seems as if she has raised a shitty offspring who lacks proper etiquette. Does your barbaric ass even know what fork comes first on the dinner table, Mary Jane?
3.) “Are you really going to take a drink from that stranger?”:
According to Ma, if she doesn’t know the boys’ parents, home address, and future aspirations, then he’s a “stranger,” who’s probably contracted multiple STD’s. Granted, you’ve been friends with this, “stranger” for quite some time now, Ma still demands a copy of his résumé before he buys you a drink.
2.) “Back in my day we used to bum cigarettes, not hit JUULs”:
Your Ma isn’t a fan of the trendy douchery technology hot on the market right now. She’s utterly appalled to see the mass of fiends that flock to you, begging for a hit, after seeing your dope ass clouds from afar. She’s wholly dumbfounded by your charity of Crème Brûlée aroma in the fine establishment of JL’s, but that sounds like her own personal problem.
1.) *gasps* “For heaven’s sake, who taught you to dance like a stripper?” *does sign of the cross*:
Ma’s now paralyzed and crying uncontrollably after seeing you throw that ass in a complete 360° on stage. She’s dialing the nearest pastor to come perform an exorcism on you, because that surely isn’t her “pumpkin wumpkin,” dry humping the air. Congratulations, you have succeeded in sending Ma into a state of total shock, disbelief, and cardiac arrest. At least you looked fine as hell doing it.
Ma’s simply looking out for her little, “Puddin’ Pie,” but there’s some things that she just shouldn’t know or witness, like ever. No need to wet your pants, because Momma Bear is tucked away at home, flipping through scrapbooks, missing your shitty ass, and ignorant to your revolting actions.