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A Break-Up Letter to Les Miles: 15 Things He’d be Better at than Coaching Football

 

Dear Leslie Edwin Miles,

 

Your time here at LSU has come to an exhaustive end, you quirky, white-hatted son of a bitch. Your strategies clearly haven’t been working, and you refuse to change your one dimensional coaching style. But as your tenure ends, where does that leave your future? Will the grass be greener (and tastier) on the other side? We came up with a few suggestions for your possible job transition, here are fifteen things you’d be better at than coaching football:

 

1.) A Wal-Mart cashier on Black Friday. Maybe you can control that line.

 

2.) A meteorologist, so you’ll be better at predicting the Tide.

 

3.) A Nike employee, because you’re so obsessed with the run.

 

4.) An FDA approving agent. You can test the grass in states where marijuana is legalized.

 

5.) The Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland in Disney World.

 

6.) A corndog vendor, so you can remember our scent.

 

7.) A train conductor, because you’re so used to hearing that whistle blow.

 

8.) Waterford Crystal Company—the only shot you’ll have at touching another National Championship Trophy.

 

9.) Working at any bumper sticker place, so you have places to write your weird ass catchphrases.

 

10.) Or a Hallmark Card writer. “I like us.” So romantic, L. We’re swooning.

 

11.) A public speaker. Hahaha. Kidding.

 

12.) An AT&T salesman, since your contracts are long and expensive.

 

13.) A zookeeper, so you can still hang out with some tigers.

 

14.) A country music singer. Just ‘cause that would be funny.

 

15.) A leaf raker, so you’ll have something to keep you busy on cool, autumn nights.

 

It’s just not working out, man. And we’re gonna miss ya, but we need a coach with vision and willingness to PASS THE FLIPPIN’ BALL. You had to have seen this break-up coming. It’s not us, it’s you. “Thank you very much, have a great day!”

 

 

Want to join the writing staff? Apply Here!

 

 

Are you worried your college apartment will be nicer than your adult one? Well, you’re probably right…

 
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