Baton Rouge, LA– Earlier this week LSU junior Lyle Richoux reported that 289 cattle have been wearing glitter to disguise themselves as sorority women since 1854. The university has since gone to great lengths to investigate the suspicious report.
“Yeah, it was the weirdest thing,” said Officer Danforth from the LSUPD, who has been investigating the report. “I knocked on their doors, no answer, but what I saw through their windows will never leave me. They were on all fours in what seemed to be very realistic cow costumes. I soon realized they weren’t costumes, they were just cows.”
“This shit’s crazy, it’s like Salem has come to LSU, but in like a Dr.Doolittle type of way,” said sophomore John Proctor. After hearing of the news, Proctor’s worried mother overnight shipped him six salt guns.
“As a parent, you just want to make sure your kids are protecting themselves, like against STD’s when partaking in wild orgies. But now my little Johnny has to protect himself from mad cow disease and glitter too,” scoffed, Mrs. Proctor.
Given the glaring evidence of cows gathering in herds, it seems as though Richoux may be on to something and may finally be able to cure LSU’s campus of “rich young sociopaths.”
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.