The LSU Student Health Center issued a school-wide health emergency alert after three students fell ill with what appeared to be the Black Plague this past week.
“On Tuesday we had a student come in with enlarged lymphnodes and chills. We diagnosed him with mumps, which experienced an odd resurgence on campus recently,” Nurse Lindsey Broussard told The Black Sheep. “We received a voicemail from his roommate that night after hours. He was running a high fever and needed medical attention.”
The student in question was Chris Unger, a junior. He was immediately quarantined on Wednesday when Broussard noticed his black extremities and rotten odor, a sign of gangrene.
48 hours later, Chris’s roommate, Jordan Tang, was given a similar diagnosis by the staff at the Student Health Center, and an official warning was released.
“I don’t know what kind of shit these kids are getting into that would warrant the contraction of a centuries-old plague,” Broussard told The Black Sheep. “But I will say this: LSU students do have an impressive track record for resurfacing odd diseases.”
A third student, Lucy Gravois, fell ill yesterday around 3 p.m.. Broussard was able to identify the early signs of the bubonic plague and quarantined her immediately. Gravois’s roommates have been brought in for evaluation and 24/7 monitoring.
“We are not calling this an epidemic,” Broussard told The Black Sheep. “But an emergency alert had to be sent out to the community. People need to look out for the symptoms.”
Across campus, members of the LSU community have begun preparations for what is being called the Bubonopocalypse. One student has a working patent on what he is calling a “bubonic bubble suit”. The airtight body suit is constructed of aluminum foil, blue tarp, duct tape, PVC pipe, and a fish bowl. Others have taken to stockpiling weapons and food. Some have dropped out of school altogether.
Freshman Taylor Dupree explains his decision to transfer from LSU: “I really liked it here my first semester–I went out. I made friends. Piped a few females. Then everything went to shit. First, I failed MATH 1029. Then I get an email about a fucking mumps outbreak. And now this? I’m getting out of this cesspit.”
Dupree will begin his sophomore year at Texas A&M in the fall.
Other students, like junior Kasey Guidry, refuse to give up hope. Guidry told The Black Sheep, “I’ve seen bad things on this campus. Terrible, disgusting things. I once blew a DKE in the Akasha bathroom. And I’m sure I’ll see much worse before my time is up here. I’m staying put.”
While the infected individuals are being treated at the Health Center, LSU students and faculty are urged to maintain a healthy distance from one another and abstain from their usual nasty habits until the threat has been neutralized.
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