After spending five hours in the BEC calculating his grade, junior Jeff Dolt says he just needs to get 100% with a 40 point curve on his accounting midterm to stay on track. He’ll also need an A on the final to pass with a C-, but that’s hardly relevant.
To execute an effortless 140, Dolt came up with a meal prep plan in preparation for his midterm on Thursday. “I can only allot one minute per meal, which is more than enough time to chow down on a Vyvanse. Heh, if I’m really hungry, then I can always go back for seconds, eh right? Right?” astutely jabbered 95 pound Dolt.
“I actually just switched to Vyvanse because Adderall was defective, at least for me. It’d make me clean my car, my room, and then spend four hours knee deep on the Explore page. Uh, thought the shit was supposed to make you study, my mistake I guess,” rambled Dolt.
Besides relying on his new script to grant him a 140, which would be more beneficial as his weight rather than his grade, Dolt will be attending his first office hour the hour before his midterm to prove to his professor that he “unequivocally cares.”
“If there’s anything my parents taught me, it’s to never walk into a place you’re invited empty handed. I’m not dumb, I know professors take into account who goes to their office hours, so I’m bringing Professor Schmuck two for one margs from Caliente and letting him hit my JUUL, so he matches my gratuity to a 140 when grading my exam,” said Dolt.
After blowing the dust off his textbook, flipping through the meaty leviathan, and making sense of all but anything, Dolt said, “Actually, you know what? Maannnn, honestly fuck bad professors. You don’t deserve to be paid if you’re not teaching me anything.”
Dolt is still striving for a 140, but will feel really bad if his parents have to pay for him to retake the class if he falls short on Thursday just because his professor can’t teach.
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