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A Eulogy to The Bandit

In light of recent accusations of the illegal selling of alcohol to underage patrons, The Bandit is calling it quits. While this long-standing tradition was pretty sick for all of you underaged pussies, it brought upon the closing of one of our most beloved bars. The Bandit, may you rest in peace. The Black Sheep has prepared a few words in your memory on behalf of the LSU community.

Let us take you back to your freshman year, when you stumbled upon the formal for one second-grade fraternity being held at The Bandit. You wondered why half the guys were dressed in drag and the other half were under 5’5”, but you rolled with it. You woke up the next morning with electric blue eye shadow and a strange substance caked to your upper lip. This was your first experience with The Bandit, and you knew it would only get better from here.

You don’t recall much of sophomore year. You spent your weekends snorting coke out of puckered assholes and drinking yourself into a near-comatose state. The Bandit was always there for you. Underaged, naïve, and just looking to get laid –you knew The Bandit would always come through for you in your time of need.

Junior year was a dark time. Classes became harder, your druggie friends all dropped out, and you were left wondering, is it even worth it? The Bandit showed you the light. All it took was one handjob in the bathroom and you were back on your feet. Admit it, you wouldn’t have made it through otherwise. And what other bar staff would have allowed such a thing? The bouncer winked at you as you disappeared into the bathroom. And thank God for it. You emerged a new man.

You graduated from Tigerland your senior year. Sticky floors and sweaty alley sex? Things of your past. But there was one fateful night in which you found yourself looking up into the eyes of that tiger wearing a bandana, and you knew it was worth the 5$ cover. You’re still not sure what happened that night.

And now you sit here, reading this eulogy. A tear rolls down your face as you wonder: where has the time gone? If only you had one last night in that beloved sanctuary.

The Bandit will be missed by all. RIP.

 

WATCH: We made Malort cupcakes. They are bad.

 

 
 

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