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Shacker Returns Home Without Clothes From Lover, Is Excommunicated

Tragedy struck a sorority who wishes to remain anonymous last Wednesday when sophomore Katie Talbot* returned home in the same clothes she went out in the night before. Her sisters reported her leaving Fred’s with junior Zach Chaisson* around midnight the night before.

“It had been awhile since Katie had gotten laid. We were all a little concerned. We never thought it would turn out this way,” roommate Lauren Owens* told The Black Sheep. “She knows the rules. And she knew what this would do to her reputation. I think she was just at that breaking point, and Zach knew it.”

As is stated in the house rules, all shackers are to return home before 9 a.m. with at least one article of clothing from their lover. These garments are placed at the foot of a shrine to the Goddess as a sacrifice. These libations are what have sustained the sorority’s reputation for generations. When Talbot returned home with no offering, immediate action had to be taken.

“She tried to come in without anyone seeing her,” Owens said. “But it’s hard to miss a shacker with no oversized t-shirt or boxer shorts. She was a walking grenade. I didn’t want to report her, but I had to preserve the sorority’s good name.”

Standards held an emergency meeting in order to address the problem. It took place at 7:39 a.m. We were not granted access to the case’s transcript, though word of the final verdict spread quickly down the Row.

“Katie was told to pack her bags and be out of the house by noon. They tried to keep it under wraps, but we all watched as she made her final Walk of Shame down the front steps,” Owen told The Black Sheep. “I was sorry to see her go, but we can’t afford these kinds of mistakes.”

We spoke to Zach Chaisson on the subject, as he was fully aware of the consequences Katie would face. Chaisson said, “Listen. I’m really running out of clothes. I have one clean pair of boxers left. My last clothes are going to someone truly worth it. Katie just didn’t make the cut.”

When asked where we might be able to find Katie for an interview, her sorority declined to disclose her information.

“She has been moved into the witness protection program. We’re unaware of her new name or address,” a representative told The Black Sheep. “For her safety and for the safety of the sorority, we ask that you respect the privacy of this matter.”

Further information on the subject is being held secret, and few members of the sorority are willing to speak on the tragedy. There is a presiding sense of fear in the house, as the consequences for Katie’s actions could very well affect all of her sisters. “It was an incredibly selfish thing for her to do,” one sister told The Black Sheep. “I hope I never see that bitch’s face again.”

*The names have been changed to protect the identities of all parties involved in this tragic situation.

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