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The 5 Greatest Heroes of LSU

There are some people the LSU community just can’t survive without. You may not recognize them on a day-to-day basis, but they’re here –working behind the scenes to make sure you have the sickest college experience ever. It’s about time we gave them the thanks they deserve.

5.) Ms. Joyce:

If you’ve ever set foot in the steaming cesspit that is The 5, you know Ms. Joyce. She sacrifices herself every day to the gods of grease and squalor, all to make sure you have a pleasurable dining experience. Though she has yet to succeed in compensating for the disaster that is The 5, her efforts will not go unnoticed. Whether she’s serving up carbonara or swiping you in, Ms. Joyce will always greet you with a grandmotherly smile and quick reprimanding.

4.) Shaq:

Shaq graduated from LSU in 1992, and everyone’s Uncle Bruce has a story about that one time he saw him walking across the quad. Even during his college years, Shaq was something of a hero. But it wasn’t until long after he graduated that he became a true LSU saint. In fact, it wasn’t until after he retired in 2011. Shaq was a pretty rad basketball player, we’ll give him that, but his true potential was revealed when he began appearing in Icy Hot commercials and South Korean variety shows. His recent acquisition of a Krispy Kreme in Atlanta just reaffirms his position on this list as one of LSU’s heroes.

3.) Ms. Robin:

If there is anything worse than The 5, it’s the 459. Ms. Robin gained LSU fame when a student started a GoFundMe to give her the Christmas gift of a lifetime (aww!). The resulting video was a real tearjerker. Ms. Robin’s place on this list is well deserved because, let’s admit it, she’s seen us all at our worst.

2.) Uncle Al:

If there’s anyone who’s saved your life on innumerable occasions, its Mr. Al. Somehow this guy always knows where you are and when you need help. We all remember that one night freshman year when we stumbled through the streets after a bout of really freaky sex in Herget, just ready to go home and wash the grime from our faces, our feet, our genitals. Mr. Al heard our prayers. He rescued us without judgment. We are all Al’s children.

1.) Ranger Jane:

A relatively new addition to the community, Ranger Jane has quickly made her mark on the students of LSU. Catch her outside Middleton, where she has been known to patrol Smokers Alley in her park ranger gear, Nicorette gum and pamphlets at the ready. This hero is truly dedicated to saving the lungs of our beloved smokers.

To all the heroes of LSU, thank you for your service. We’ll leave you with this Joss Whedon quote we just googled:

“Who is to say who is the villain and who is the hero? Probably the dictionary.”

 

WATCH: Being in Business School is actually really really hard you guys.

 

 
 

 

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