Ever wondered what our presidential candidates would’ve been like as LSU students? Which one would be fun to party with? Which one ONLY cared about studying? How many times did Ted Cruz get rejected in one night? Did Hillary go out to Tigerland? You’re damn right she did, and the bartenders at Fred’s got sick of cleaning up her red, white, and blue puke. Here’s a complete list of what your favorite power-hungry presidential job seekers were like as Looziana college kids.
Major: Political Science
Dorm: Kirby Smith
Favorite Dining Hall: The Fraternity House
Which night would he go to Tigerland? Every damn night with his crew. Where his crew goes, John goes.
Known For: Agreeing with crazy Jesus-folk and protesting the protestors protesting budget cuts. He’d also lose the race for president of the Young Republicans Club at LSU to that annoying senior, Hillary Clinton.
What would he do about the squirrels? He’d give ’em a 40 hour work schedule and boost the LSU agricultural economy.
Major: Petroleum Engineering (IF he survives CE 2450)
Dorm: Creepy Ted would be in Dirty Herget so he can keep his eyes on Miller candy.
Favorite Dining Hall: The 459 commons so he can stalk Greek girls. He always eats in his bath robe.
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Which night would he go to Tigerland? Every Friday trying to engage in speech and debates with random groups of strangers. He’s been thrown out more than twice for flashing his floppy junk.
Known For: He would be known for giving our great and beloved ex-chemistry professor Kolniak a run for his money in a non-chemically related competition. And the flashing. Everyone knows about the flashing.
What would he do about the squirrels? He would hunt them at night for game and leave them on the doorsteps of the Chi-O house. Chicks dig squirrels, right?
Major: Undecided at first but would become a Political Science major.
Dorm: The Pentagon.
Favorite Dining Hall: He won’t have one because he is too busy giving his Tiger Card swipes away to the less-fortunate (upper-classmen).
Which night would he go to Tigerland? Saturday just like everyone else. He follows the crowd.
Known For: Studying hard for his tests but letting everyone else cheat off of him so everyone gets an A.
What would he do about the squirrels? He would give them free health care and take them to class so they also get a college education for free.
Major: Computer Science at first, but would later switch to Poli-Sci for getting involved with one of her professors. She can’t resist grey hair.
Dorm: Miller so she can reap the benefits of Greek life.
Favorite Dining Hall: The Sorority Houses.
Which night would she go to Tigerland? Thursday nights. Some guy named Bill bought her a drink at Fred’s one Thursday night, she’s been on the prowl ever since.
Known For: Being in a different sorority every day because she lies about being part of the Greek Life. She would also be in charge of the young republicans at LSU.
What would she do about the squirrels? Nothing, she would leave them be and give them their rights.
Dorm: Business Residential College
Favorite Dining Hall: Chimes, Walk-On’s, Pluckers’, Zippy’s, and food from the Trump Hotel in Manhattan specially flown in by his beloved Boeing 757 private jet with gold plated seatbelts (for days when he felt home-sick).
Which day would he go to Tigerland? Monday’s. You get more bang for your buck with 2-4-1 deals. And he’s all about the bang.
Known For: Being our winning quarterback and introducing LSU football to a little someone known as Leonard Fournette.
What would he do about the squirrels? He would screen them for US citizenship and deport the ones that came from Mexico illegally. The deported squirrels that didn’t steal any food would come back a year later. All the others are fired.