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The Judgemental Map of New Orleans

 

If you’ve ever been to New Orleans, you know it’s not all Bourbon St. and Swamps. There are your hipsters, your snobby, “Old New Orleans Money,” and everything in between. The Black Sheep put together a cohesive map, so you know what areas strike your fancy and bypass the others.

 

 

Uptown:
If there was an Old Orleans, this would be it. Uptown is equipped with all the OG New Orleans culture, like Mardi Gras Parades, the good ‘ole private schools, and dolla bills from 1718 (AKA the city’s Old Moola). Uptown fosters a cesspool for your average Northeastern lax bros and hoes for higher education in a little place called Tulane University. But we all know that if you’re a true New Orleanian, you go to LSU, not Tulane.

 

French Quarter:
While it would be more fun if the entire city was filled with street performers and bars, there is more to New Orleans than this. Toxic waste in the streets, lame touristy, swamp-themed bars, and debauchery account for much of the French Quarter, so naturally, locals disregard this area as completely overrated. Not to mention the random stabbings during the wee hours of the morning. Yeah, uh, we’ll pass.

 

Metairie:
This area is divided into two dueling neighborhoods, Metry and Old Metairie. In Metry, you can find your average American family. You know, your neighbor the Smiths with a Golden Retriever and 2.5 children? Mrs. Smith bakes an apple pie while waving her husband off to the office. You get the point. Old Metairie is synonymous with Uptown by their self-proclaimed definition (however, Uptown would readily disagree). Old Metairie, while prestigious, is simply not nearly as pretentious as Uptown. They have nannies for their children since mom is too busy at Lululemon, the gym, or brunch with her friends.

 

Lakeview:
Filled with your picture-perfect young families, Lakeview is home to terrible streets and the wannabe Real Housewives. Lakeview can be defined as bougier than Uptown or Metairie with the abundance of New Money financing six preschool tuitions, a range rover, and a 5,000 square-foot house. Even though ruined during Hurricane Katrina, the city of New Orleans deemed it worthy enough for rehabilitation because of the money, and that’s worth something, right?

 

Kenner:
While the rest of New Orleans is filled with culture and wonder (yes, druggies outside of St. Louis Cathedral are quite a wonder), Kenner is all strip malls, Walmart, and the freaking airport. That’s all we have to say about that.

 

Chalmette:
The best things to come from Chalmette were two men: Rocky and Carlos. Other than that, this part of the city is like the red-head step child that no one really wants anything to do with.

 

After reading this, we hope you can decipher on your own your favorite parts of New Orleans and those that you can say “eh betta not” to.

 

 

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