Perhaps you’re one of the many devout Christian students who partook in the ratchetry that went down on the Flora-Bama shore last week, and as a result, caught a couple of STI’s and the devil himself along the way. Lucky for you, the on-campus ministries are offering free acts of penance along with full serviced-Exorcisms to all “demon-infested christians” who may have done, “Far too many Four-Loko boob luges and Tide Pod pops,” explains Pastor Derek Daniels.
“Chances are, you went on spring break vacation last week and took a big ol’ dip in the cesspool that is the Flora-Bama shore and got totally possessed by the devil, making a complete ass out of yourself,” explains Pastor Derek. “And now, you are in need of some holy intervention–that’s where we come in.”
Pastor Derek explains how the post-spring break/post-Lenten week back to school is always the most popular time for the church as every year. Hundreds of sinful students flocked through its doors, suddenly going to mass again while seeking ‘divine intervention’ after their long week of debauchery. Only this year’s is, by far, their largest turn out yet.
“You know, every year we get the same students with the same type of cases: some small, some severe, some even futile, only this year is by far, the most grave. Personally, I blame the church for scheduling Lent right in the middle of Mardi Gras, not a wise call.”
Wilson Tetts, LSU senior, shares his success story after undergoing an exorcism ritual post-LSU Orange Beach SB2K18 trip.
Wilson, 20, claims he was simply taking it easy in Orange Beach with some friends, when he got allegedly “possessed,” at which point, he was chased down, tackled, and arrested by Alabama officers after snorting a condom and licking the ear of an Alabama state sheriff.
“It wasn’t me,” claims Wilson. “One minute, I’m posted up on the beach, relaxing, funneling some Natty with the broskis, nothing crazy, ” says Wilson. “Next thing you know, I’m being tackled by the Po-Po, assful of sand.”
Wilson, though facing hefty charges by the state of Alabama, along with possible expulsion from LSU, claims he’s just, “hashtag blessed,” as he now, is completely rid of all demons after undergoing 20 acts of contrition and an exorcism ritual.
“I feel great. I got God on my side, so yeah, it’s all gucci,” says Wilson. “Suck it, ‘Bama.”
When asked how he can tell when a student is possessed, Pastor Derek explains the most common symptoms in a student include: rocking white-framed sunglasses, fat Juul rips, and a chin-strap beard that mimics a large skid mark on one’s face.”
If you or any devout Christian you know are in need of some post-SB2K18/post-Lent 2K18 cleansing, Pastor Derek encourages all Christians (even atheists) to come by this week, where penance and exorcisms will be offered all week long, 24 hours a day!