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LSU Freshman Devastated He Won’t Have Granite Counters Living On Campus


In the wake of the groundbreaking news in which LSU unveiled its decision to require all incoming freshmen to live on campus come Fall 2018, has sparked much outrage and controversy amongst its impending lower classmen.


Many of these first-year students have come forward, expressing their utter dismay over the fact that they will no longer have the luxury of living in the off- campus apartments with the granite counters and the private “resort styled” pools.


“My plan was to leave my gated-community mansion behind, and get a place with four of my buddies” says Teddy Le Boeuf, future LSU freshmen, “You know? Just your average Freshmen experience… only LSU has sadly, killed what would have been, the best year of my life.”


Le Boeuf, Senior at LSU Lab School, says he feels the university has “robbed” he and his fellow classmates of the freedoms they once possessed.


“I’m from Baton Rouge, lived here my whole life and I mean, I already have an infinity pool and granite counters at home, but I’m almost 19 years-old… it’s time I have one of my own.”



LSU claims their decision to make all Freshmen live on campus was a tough one, but swears it’s not a ploy to make more money off of its’ students at all, but instead, for the “friendship and campus unity” purposes.


“You know,” says Carol Blakeslee, head of LSU Residential Life, “You hear of all these freshmen choosing to live off-campus in those fancy shmancy, mansions with their lazy rivers and their poolside ragers, but they’re honestly missing out on all of the action. I mean, we got everything you need right here on campus. You want a lazy river? Got a new one at the U-Rec, check! How about fine dining? Uh, ever had a 459-corn nugget? I mean, what more could they possibly need?”


Le Boeuf plans on drawing up a petition via Facebook that will ensure all Fall 2018 freshmen get their right to choose, back.


“This is America, dammit” says a fussy Le Boeuf, “We just want the commuter right to drive to class in our own vehicles every single day, creating unnecessary campus traffic, just like everyone else can.”





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