This past weekend, LSU house mom Debora Miller who is on a tailgating streak this fall, claimed she enjoyed her first grapefruit White Claw. After having a second she was confirmed, “turnt.”
“In all my 63 years, never have I had a White Claw, and boy was I missing out. This is a new era, and I’ve never felt so electrified,” exclaimed Miller.
Phi Sigma President, Jonathan Baker, said he had to pick her up off the stage and throw her over his back every gameday. “She looks savage up there, but she doesn’t know when it’s time to shut it down and go to the game.”
“Now that the tailgates are at the house, all I have to do is walk outside and I’m already halfway to fucked up. Two Claws will get me shaking it, but I pregame a smidgen before piling on the spiked sparkling waters. After all, this is L-uh damn Shu, not fucking Tech,” laughed Miller.
“I’m happy she’s having fun, but she needs to stop taking my beer out of my hand and replacing it with a White Claw, ranting that it’s low in calories,” irked Michael Light, a Phi Sigma active.
Miller explained she doesn’t spend a dime when tailgating. “The vendors spend an eternity strictly inspecting each ID, which makes it easy for me to swipe a 6 pack of White Claws from right behind them. My little men oughta be careful though, the alcohol content level of these little suckers isn’t a joke. Personally, I think the percentage could be lower, but hey this is how tailgating is done at LSU.”
Miller’s advice to all tailgate go-ers this weekend is that they tailgate at Phi Sigma at their own peril, and to not get in her way of “shaking it” on the stage.
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.