In lieu of watching the Inauguration of President Donald Trump, many LSU students have been exercising their right to freedom of speech a little more than usual. President Trump’s shock factor has left many left-wing students with their tails between their legs. As a statement to the Trump administration, LSU liberals took a stand with a ceremonial inauguration of their own. The Black Sheep spoke with these students to learn more.
On Saturday, January 21st, liberal students stood together in The Quad to inaugurate a bowl of Sabra hummus as their president. Many liberals across the country have been preaching the statement, “Not my president!” This group of students took this statement to the next level on Saturday.
“I’m sick of feeling like an outcast. 90% of this school kisses Trump’s citrus-flavored asshole and they don’t even understand the gravity his administration is bringing,” said Rosemary Whitewater.
Whitewater organized the hummus ceremony and is the unofficial leader of LSU’s left-wing community. “Bernie Sanders should have been inaugurated yesterday instead of that racist, fear-mongering cuckservative. As a statement to Donald Trump’s shit-assery we figured literally anything would serve better than him. So that’s where the hummus comes from.”
The inaugural ceremony took about an hour. Whitewater gave a speech to rile the crowd, using buzzwords like “Not My President,” “Black Lives Matter,” and “Pussy Grabs Back.” Her speech was followed by slam poetry readings by members of the Delta Literary Journal. Members of the crowd were moved to tears after hearing, “Being Rich and Gay in the USA,” and “Do My Nipples Offend You, Mr. Trump?” Following the political poetry, the bowl was sworn over Karl Marx’s Communist Manifesto. The day ended with a performance by a Mac Demarco cover band.
“I didn’t know that many sensitive snowflakes went here. Like, I know not everyone is on the Trump Train, but I thought the only liberals were those 5 kids always smoking outside of Mid,” said Bryan Beck. “My pledge brothers and I tried to fris’ in The Quad the other day, but we couldn’t get past the sea of Bern Victims. Half of the people had green or blue hair and there was literally a cloud of joe smoke in the air. We left pretty quickly ‘cuz one Bern Victim spit on my pledge brother, Toker.”
The bowl of hummus will be on display on the smoker’s bench outside of Middleton for the next four years, claimed Whitewater. “This bowl of hummus is a voice for the voiceless. It will reside here to remind us that we are not alone in the coming years of hell,” she said in her closing statement to The Black Sheep.
Whether you’re liberal or conservative, please pay the bowl of Sabra hummus respect this week. This bowl may not be your president, but he is to some gentle-hearted soul out there. Godspeed, Tigers.
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