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Scandal at LSU: Tailgategate

 

 

Unless you’ve been living under a proverbial rock, you’re probably familiar with the ideas for new tailgate rules that the LSU Administration has been tossing around. Let us spell some of them out for you:

 

1.) No glass bottles

2.) No fun(nels)

3.) No crusty old couches, futons, lazyboys, or TV sets

4.) No obnoxiously large tents

5.) No. Hard. Liquor.

 

We present to you: Tailgategate.

 

The Black Sheep spoke to several prominent members of the tailgating community to gather feedback on these radical changes. Among them was junior Mike Gutierrez, who was an active participant in Tuesday’s town hall meeting.

 

“This is my first town hall meeting,” said Gutierrez. “I don’t know. I just felt like it was my civic duty to show up and speak on behalf of my fellow students.” Gutierrez is a political science major, and a member of the Phi Phi Gamma Phi fraternity. PPGP is one of the many student organizations that tailgates on the parade grounds. One of the proposed changes for the upcoming season is to impose a system of alcohol vendors, which would act as the sole source of alcohol for the tailgates. Students of legal drinking age would be required to wait in line at one of these vendors, where they would be given the option to purchase a Dixie cup of beer (or beer shot) for $4.

 

Gutierrez spoke out against this: “Listen. I don’t know about y’all, but I’d rather chug a pint of Everclear in my apartment before walking to the tailgate than have to wait in line for twenty minutes for a beer shot.”

 

John Parker Mann, a senior member of the fraternity Kappa Ulcer Chi, brought up one point that provoked twenty minutes of discussion on the Administration’s right to prevent minors from drinking: “Ulcer Chi has a long-standing tradition of funneling whiskey into the asshole of each pledge at the first tailgate of the season. To ban funnels, hard liquor, and underage drinking is to disrupt fifty years’ worth of alcohol enemas.”

 

Richard Wallace, a member of LSU’s administration and one of the leading advocates for these changes, promptly ended this discussion by citing the staggering number of freshman hospitalizations every year due to this ritual butt chugging.

 

“We’re just looking out for the safety of our students,” said Wallace.

 

However, many older fans have spoken out against these changes. 52-year-old Dick Hebert was among the oldest attendees at the meeting, and he made sure to grab a front row seat.

 

“I feel very strongly about this,” Hebert said. “I’ve been tailgating just about every year since I can remember, and I think that my insight is extremely important. They’ll want to hear what I have to say.”

 

Unfortunately, Hebert was not given the opportunity to speak, as he was escorted out shortly after the meeting commenced on account of his not wearing shoes and attempting to sell moonshine to several of the students in attendance.

 

“I’ll see you in the fall,” he told The Black Sheep. “And I can promise you they won’t have done nothing to change things. Tailgating is the same now as it always has been. They won’t change nothing.”

 

The meeting ended in a general state of discomfort and dissatisfaction. Many people were horrified to hear students threaten to soak their dreadlocks in alcohol, bury their flasks in secret locations around campus, and even ingest rubbing alcohol under the misconception that it would have the same effect. (This particular student was confronted after the meeting by one of the members of administration. We can only hope that he is now receiving the psychiatric treatment he needs).

 

What will this mean for the future of Tiger football? We can only speculate.

 

Tailgategate has only just begun.

 

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