Students at Louisiana State University are frightened for their futures after seeing Gov. John Bel Edwards’ budget proposal for this upcoming fiscal year. Deemed “The Doomsday Budget,” it plans to eliminate the Taylor Opportunity Program for Students, which many students rely on to attend school.
“I’m absolutely terrified after reading this budget. TOPS is the only way I can afford to come to LSU. I’m a women and gender studies major. I plan on securing for women the rights they don’t yet have! If we don’t have people like me, earning an education and going out in the world to fight the patriarchy, who will?” outraged student Patrice “Kai” Mitchell states.
In response to the widespread panic, particularly the spike in the amount of students heading to Tigerland to drink away their worries without abandon, LSU President F. King Alexander decided to hold a press conference to discuss the situation and provide solace for those affected.
Alexander discussed topics such loans, scholarships and grants. However, there was something very distracting in the room that day, preventing each and every audience member from paying attention. One bystander deemed it “The elephant in the room, only bigger.”
F. King Alexander’s massive dick print stole the stage this past Monday. Every parent, student and professor was in awe as he confidently flaunted what he was packing downstairs.
Herds of females were running down the streets, searching for King as they waved their tattered copies of his weekly emails in hopes of getting them autographed. There will be a party to honor King at The Varsity this Friday following Neutral Snap’s nightly reign of terror.
We asked King his thoughts on his sudden rise to appreciation.
“Wow, I am in awe. What is all this commotion about? Are they finally recognizing that I’m an Oxford man? No mean to brag but, I am an Oxford man. Did I tell you about my time there? I don’t even know where to begin…”
We didn’t get the entire interview, we were distracted by the dick print. It looks like today has gone from Doomsday to D-day.
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