After standing in the hour-long line at The 5, patiently awaiting to get his plate of slop, Brian Angus, was informed that all of the slop has run out and will so for another 4 hours.
“So, there I was,” says a very winded Angus in between leg stretches, “Foodless and afraid on campus. So, I get on my phone and look up other on-campus food options, right? And I stumble upon this ‘fancy-ass student athlete tiger dining hall bullshit’, so now, here I am, training for the sports teams’ try outs.”
The million-dollar Tiger Athletic Nutrition Center, predicted to open later on in the semester, will be unlike any other dining hall experience any normal LSU student could even dream upon entering in their sorry, education-driven lives.
This 30,000-square foot, well-renowned dining center, now reported to be located inside the south-end zone of Tiger Stadium, will be filled with state of the art amenities and a full-on wait staff, including highly-trained Parisian chefs, serving only the rarest, most gourmet meals exclusively, to LSU’s most prized possession: it’s student athletes.
“Let me tell you something,” says Tiger Athletes Matter Foundation founder, Harry Hoover Hanston III, between cigar drags, “The college athletes are our future, dammit. Education is eh—important, sure, sure, but the athletes? They’re the real future presidents here,” he explains, with a slap to the ass of the athlete in standing in front of him, “It’s important that they’re with their own kind, you see… separated from all the other students.”
When asked if he’s previously been on any form of sports team before in his adult life, Angus admits this will be the first real team he [potentially] will be on, ever, but feels, he has what it takes to earn a spot.
“Yeah, I mean, I dabbled in the art of cock-fighting in high school a bit, couple of fantasy leagues here and there, nothing too serious. I mean, this is going to be a real challenge for me, but I’m doing it for the steaks and the easy A’s. I’ll give it all I got for some decent food and an asbestos-free environment to study in around here. No more shit-stained meats and a moldy Middleton for this guy.”
The Black Sheep wishes Brian all the good luck on his impending try-outs and hopes that he finds the food—the sports team—he is looking for.