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UREC Juiceheads Lose .3% Muscle Mass Over Campus Sneaux Closures

Amid last week’s campus closures due to the heavy, half inch of snow it received, LSU students who frequent the UREC all hours of the day claim they’ve lost a total of, at least .3% muscle mass since it’s almost week long suspension.

“Hey LSU, you see that?” says UREC gym rat, Hunter Hipps, pointing to his flexed bicep out on display, “Oh wait, that’s right. You don’t, because there’s nothing there now. Thanks to you [LSU] and your sissy ‘snowflake’ decision to close down the gym for an entire week, I’ve lost a total of .3% muscle mass in my gorgeous and expensive chiseled arms.”

Hunter, UREC aficionado – bodybuilding enthusiast – eighth year senior, is one of the many students who were barred from using the UREC gym last week due to the inclement weather, something they believe was a “fat” decision, and definitely not necessary.

“I mean, the decision to close down the gym due to a little ice on the roads is really just a reflection on our society as a whole: fat, lazy and whiny,” explains Hunter in between burpees.

“Been going to the gym my entire life,” he says, whipping out an old photo of his astonishingly muscular and very hairy five-year-old self with his first set of 20 lb. dumbbells. “I’ve never missed a day of gettin’ swol at the gym, not once in my entire 26 years of life… until the sneaux came.”

Sneaux, or “snow,” a mysterious white, wet substance that falls from the sky in a light flake form, caused LSU to close down it’s entire campus for a total of 4 days, including the UREC, causing campus juiceheads all over, to waver and deflate.

Sophomore Haley White claims her life has spiraled out of control since the UREC’s almost week long suspension, which had forced her to fill her snowed-in days with reckless TV binging and bread, instead of her usual, apple cider vinegar-wheatgrass juices and daily six hour gym sessions. Haley claims she is now able to pinch the fat on her thigh, something she was never able to do before last week.

“Since the closing of the UREC last week, I’ve been eating carbs again… and doing crazy things I’ve never done before, like vaping and staying up past 10 p.m. I’ve also really gotten into the Netflix. Lots of cult documentaries. I don’t know if I will ever get my body back,” she says in between cigarette drags, “I hope it was worth it, closing down the UREC for that long.”

UREC users say they’re very excited to get back into their grind but are a little apprehensive to get back into their bro tanks and spandex.

“For my fit fam out there, stay dedicated. Stay strong,” encourages Hunter, now on his 1,000th burpee. “We’ve all suffered and we’re all a little flabby from the sneaux, but we got this. Hashtag just do it, hashtag that lift grind, hashtag girls who lift, hashtag sports, hashtag fitness, hashtag ass, hashtag arms.”


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