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What I Learned From Skinny Dipping in the LSU Lakes

 

While a good majority of LSU’s student body has considered skinny-dipping in the campus lakes, very few have looked past the fact that it is probably the most unnecessarily gross thing you could possibly do and just taken the plunge. It doesn’t take more than a few seconds of looking into that grimy cesspit of toxic waste and disease to know that maybe the street cred isn’t worth it. I cannot begin to guess the number of dogs who have died after taking a dip in those things.

If you are like me and choose to ignore the posted signs, the warnings from friends, the gut instinct telling you “no, God no, please God no,” then perhaps you will benefit from knowing what to expect during and after skinny-dipping in the LSU lakes.

 

They are not real lakes.
A real lake is capable of filtering pretty much anything you throw at it –pesticides, beer cans, dead bodies, etc. The lakes at LSU are approximately 5ft. deep at most, meaning they’re more like glorified puddles. Would you swim in a 90-year-old puddle? Would you blast 90-year-old puddle water up your vagina? Let me educate you on what exactly resides in said puddle.

 

A season of River Monsters could be filmed here.
The biology of the lakes makes for a fascinating case study, as years of sludge and waste has made for a rather unique cocktail that should not go anywhere near your body. As with any environment, however, there are organisms that have adapted to survive in the “unlivable” conditions (Note: this does not include viruses, as I will address those later). From the moment I entered the water, I knew I was not alone.

 

It’s prime body-dumping ground.
I felt myself begin to decompose after a few seconds of standing in that water. Murderers everywhere know that there is no better place to get rid of a body than these lakes. I watched the first few episodes of Breaking Bad before deciding I was too stupid to enjoy it, and I would say that the lake water is probably as corrosive as hydrofluoric acid. On the bright side, if you’re too poor to get a Brazilian wax, the lake water will corrode those pubes in less than six seconds.

 

The “sexually” in sexually transmitted disease is a loose term.
Among the microorganisms capable of surviving in the lakes is the herpes virus, evidently. If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “What could be worse than learning you’ve contracted herpes from your partner?” I have the answer. It’s contracting herpes from a fucking lake.

 

There is no glory in being this disgusting.
Word gets around, and it’s not the good kind of word. Being the dipshit who skinnydipped in the campus lakes is the equivalent of being the dipshit who uses a goat semen moisturizer. People will not come near you. They will not speak to you. They will not touch you. Don’t be that idiot.

 

If there was ever a cautionary tale to live by, it is this one. I have made it my life’s mission to reach out, educate, and prevent. The best solution is to fill in those lakes. Maybe we can create a monument dedicated to the memory of those who have cast off their clothes and resigned themselves to a lifetime of residual lake filth.

 

 

 

 

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