Astrology. The absolute suspension of our collective disbelief. Somehow, we are all completely willing to believe the bullshit a crystal-loving soy fairy pulls out of her gluten-free asshole. So who’s to say we can’t do the same?
It’s Virgo season! And it’s football season. Virgos are the LSU fans that go ham for the first few tailgates, but putter out towards the end. They’re the guys at the party who throw back six shots on the ride over and pass out on the doorstep.
Libras are lowkey fans. They don’t care much for the football games or tailgates, but they’ll never pass up the opportunity to say hi to Mike on their way to class. Catch them at gymnastics meets with a piping hot plate of nachos and a large diet coke.
This is the crazy fan: the one that goes a little too hard and just ends up scaring everyone. They make you want the Tigers to win solely because you’re scared of what the Scorpio might do should we lose. After the game, catch the Scorpios in Tigerland, blackout drunk and referring to themselves by their drunk alter-egos (usually a name like Bruce or Jackie or Guido).
Sagittariuses (Sagitarii? Someone consult an astrologist) will try anything new. They float from tailgate to tailgate, snatching all the food and alcohol they can carry in two hands. They are the ultimate mooches, and they know just how to talk your Aunt Marie into giving them that bowl of jambalaya.
Capricorns are the most loyal fans. They’ll be at every game, four hours early, with provisions to keep everyone hydrated and happy—because if there’s anyone who knows how to sneak alcohol into Tiger Stadium, it’s the Capricorn of the group. They are also the most likely to get in a fight in the student section.
Aquariuses are honestly too cool to pay attention to the football games. They’ll tailgate for appearances’ sake, but their priorities lie elsewhere. They’re more inclined to spend the football games updating their instagrams.
Pisces are the ultimate football fans. They’ve memorized every stat, studied every play, sent birthday cards to every player—the whole shebang. They won’t drink during the games, as they require a clear mind to focus.
Aries will never settle down. They’re at the front of the crowd, painted head to toe, and drunk out of their minds. If you run into one before the game, they’ll almost certainly be jumping up and down with a beer in one hand and a red bull in the other.
Tauruses are the sole reason the bookstore stays in business. They’re at the Barnes and Noble at the beginning of every fall semester, ready to buy out the entire place. We don’t know where they get all this money, but they somehow find a way to own every piece of LSU merchandise known to man.
Geminis are the most contentious fans. They’ll find any reason to argue over football, and they’ll always win. They have an opinion on everything: from the outcome of a game to the $8 nachos sold at concession stands. Steer clear of them after a disappointing loss.
Cancers don’t particularly care for football. Basketball is their game. Like, seriously. They’ve already picked out the names for their firstborn child: Johnny Jones Elbert Patterson Simmons O’Neal.
Leos make it into very few football games, as they almost always end up passed out in the quad on their way to the stadium. These guys don’t know when to stop, but that just makes them all the more fun to have at a tailgate.
So there you have it. Don’t agree? Too bad. The universe has spoken.
Wonder why freshmen suck? We have it figured out: