So you’re a freshman here at LSU, or you’ve just transferred from a different school, and you keep hearing students talk about the awesomeness that is Carnival Season. Maybe you’ve even been invited to a Mardi Gras ball, parade, or a quick weekend trip to the Big Easy. No matter the case, your ass needs to be prepared for the shenanigans that will ensue over the next two weeks. Here are four important things you need to know before Fat Tuesday rears its ugly head.
4.) Everything is King Cake Flavored Right Now. Embrace It.
Food shopping for your shitty apartment? King cakes are in ALL grocery stores. Going on a liquor run for tonight’s party? King cake flavored alcohol will be on every damn shelf. Need a new outfit to wear to Reggie’s on Friday? Get some king cake flavored leggings. Haven’t bought your textbooks yet? Sucks for you, they’ve all turned into king cakes.
3.) There Will Be a Plethora of Beads EVERYWHERE.
Whether you’re taking out the trash, heading to Plucker’s for a 3 a.m. wing stop, or drunkenly walking home from Tigerland, you’re gonna slip and bust your ass on some Mardi Gras beads. Even if there wasn’t a parade earlier, they’ll be on the ground: they creep out of sewer drains, climb up windows, and slither under doors. Shit, don’t be surprised if your professor starts writing on the dry erase board with a pair of flippin’ beads. They take over the streets of Louisiana quicker than our new Governor’s campaign promises are proving to be complete and utter bullshit. Get ready.
2.) Girls Will Shop for Their Ball Gowns Like They’re Nominated for An Academy Award.
Mardi Gras balls are a big deal. Kings and Queens reign these parties like they live in freaking Buckingham Palace. Couples arrive in limos, dudes are wearing tuxedos, and girls are decked the hell out in puffy-ass dresses. It’s not uncommon to hear a girl say “Oh, sorry I can’t today, I’m picking out my ball gown.” And her girlfriend will reply with a gasp! “OMG, are you going with the pink-pink one or the pinkish PINK?” Then they both start crying because the decision is just too much to handle and soon enough they’re late for their hair extension appointment. Don’t eff with females during Mardi Gras. It gets messy.
1.) You’re Going to See More Than One Pair of Boobies.
And you’re gonna love it! Believe the rumors, ta-ta’s fly about during Mardi Gras. Girls get free shit when they flash people any day of the year, but especially during this time. You don’t even have to be at a parade. You could be making a quick stop at PJ’s Coffee and some chick is pulling up her shirt for that free macchiato. You’ll see all shapes and sizes: perky, wrinkled, long, sideways, some tied in a bow, some getting motor-boated by the post man, whatever. It’s literally tit for tat everywhere you look, and it’s perfectly acceptable because it’s almost Fat Tuesday in Louisiana.
Welcome to the South, you lucky sons-a-bitches. Laissez les bon temps rouler!
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