You’re not a true Terp if you don’t visit ye old filling station at least twice a week every week. College Park’s worst bar is full of high class citizens of outstanding character, and The Black Sheep has compiled a list of things you’re bound to encounter on your Thursday night out.
10.) The bouncer calling you “sweetheart”
Who doesn’t love to be condescended to as you walk into a bar? Honestly, the bouncers become so much more attractive when they feel the need to remind you that they have all the power in this situation. It really just starts the night off right when you get a smirk and a wink paired with that oh-so-cute pet name.
9.) Someone winking at you as they step out of the Porta-Potty:
As if the parking lot outside of Bent’s wasn’t lovely enough, they provide world class bathrooms right on site. Only the truly impressive brave those classic blue cesspools, and boy do they know it. Nothing says “date me” like a sloppy wink as you stumble out of the door with toilet paper stuck to you.
8.) The “accidental” butt brush:
If you’ve never experienced this foolproof move, you’re really missing out. No matter how close you’re standing to the person behind you, there will always be at least one person pushing up way too close to you as they walk past. What’s the point in walking through a bar if you can’t cop a feel every few steps?
7.) The Frat Pack:
When deciding to go for a night out, you always have to accept that you’ll be interacting with only the frattiest of frat bros. If you’re lucky, you might even see a group of them walk up to you all at once and surround you. One of them is bound to get a hookup if they make sure the girl can’t run away.
6.) A stranger handing you a drink:
This tried and true method is always a treat. Are there drugs in this? Do you actually think this will make me want you? Are you even coherent enough to ask for my number? The possibilities are endless, and hey, everyone loves a gamble, right?
5.) Bouncers trying to talk to you on their break:
If you thought your encounter with the bouncer as you walked in was magical, then you’re in luck. Surprise! Your favorite yellow-shirted bouncer just came up to you as you were dancing with your friends. How kind of him to come interrupt your night out because he thought your boobs looked good in that shirt. Really, it’s an honor that he thought of you.
4.) Someone you don’t know starts dancing with you:
Flashback to high school homecoming with this one. It’s just the best when you feel some random stranger grinding up on you with no invitation. Don’t worry guys, it’s definitely not uncomfortable when you come rub your grimy half-chub on a girl.
3.) A Random Adult™ standing in the middle of the bar, just watching:
Not sure what you do on a normal night, but if your weekend includes you coming to a college campus to creep on twenty year olds when you’re about eighty, then there’s some deep-rooted shit going on there. Just go to a real bar if you’re so desperate for something; at least going to the bars in D.C. would be slightly less pervy.
2.) Some guy literally just grabbing a handful of your ass:
Yes, this has happened, and no, it will not make her go home with you. As much as you think it’ll make you seem super attractive, you’re just wrong. Sexual assault surprisingly doesn’t work as a pickup line. Crazy right?
1.) A stranger trying to walk you home alone:
Walking up to a drunk person and offering to walk them home, despite the fact that they have a whole group of friends, is not the best choice. It’s crèmè de la creepy. Just, you know, as a PSA for all of those assault charges waiting to happen.
But ya know, see ya at Bent’s tonight.