It’s a beloved holiday celebrated worldwide. It falls sometime in February. It’s dominated by the color red. It promotes love, togetherness, and prosperity.
Yep, it’s Chinese New Year! 新年快樂!
Oh . . . you were thinking about Valentine’s Day, weren’t you? Ha, guess again! Chinese New Year has been overshadowed by Valentine’s Day for far too long, and The Black Sheep are determined to put a stop to that once and for all. Here’s a list of reasons why Chinese New Year is vastly superior to that sickly-sweet Hallmark holiday.
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4.) Chinese New Year fulfills your Mission as a Terp:
One of the most important parts about UMD is its diversity–it even says so in the mission statement! “The University counts the diversity of its community as among its greatest strengths and integral to its mission of excellence.” You heard it, people–diversity is part of your mission as a Terp. (Oh, and note that nowhere in the mission statement is there a section on romance. Real Terps don’t need to date. Real Terps save all their love for Testudo.) And what better way to embark on that mission than by celebrating a holiday whose cultural significance is lost on everyone but actual Chinese people?
3.) Valentine’s Day Promotes Discord:
Hey, we all remember what happened on the Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre. Not to mention Old St. Valentine himself. (Why did they behead him, anyway? Maybe he was getting a little too much on the side.) You really shouldn’t be surprised that Valentine’s Day has a long, proud tradition of sowing violence. For crying out loud, it divides everyone into two distinct camps: Bitter Singles and Sweet Couples. Chinese New Year, on the other hand, promotes peace and a common goal; to be as ethnic as possible. Hipsters, basic bitches, and culturally sensitive Tumblr users alike can appreciate how serene and unifying it is watch Disney’s Mulan for the eighth time.
2.) Valentine’s Day–Wrong Time, Wrong Place:
Seriously, Valentine’s Day, you’re not welcome at UMD. You arrive at that awkward period at the beginning of the semester when people have barely recovered from their post-winter-break breakups. The diner food has expanded waistlines and lowered energy levels and self esteem alike. Work has set in, so all spare affection and trinkets are being showered on Testudo, with none to spare for romantic partners.
1.) One Little Panda, Two Little Pandas:
UMD was practically designed with quasi-Chinese culture in mind. (Seriously, we have one Panda Express on Route One and another in Stamp.) Also, Ten Ren’s had a fundraiser to benefit the earthquake victims in Taiwan. Have you ever heard of a Valentine’s Day fundraiser? What would the proceeds even go—a local divorce lawyer?
As Junior Kija Kennedy says, “Valentine’s Day is a capitalist holiday and Chinese New Year is rooted in tradition . . . even though I don’t know jack shit about Chinese New Year.”
You heard it, people. Chinese New Year is the best holiday. We’re all looking forward to a calendar wherein Valentine’s Day is finally recognized as one of those bullshit holidays no one knows or cares about–like Columbus Day or Arbor Day.
Now go back to work, this is no time to monkey around–oh, wait . . .