If you’re anything like us here at The Black Sheep, you love going to UMD (sort of). Now imagine what it’s like to go somewhere else. Specifically, try imagine being a student at Penn State. If you’re anything like us, you couldn’t even do it. But we kept trying until we could, and then wrote this list of the five best reasons why you should be glad you don’t go there. Just for you.
5.) Hearing The “We Are Penn State” Chant Every. Damn. Day:
Let’s be honest here: just how many Zelko shots or Natty Lights do you have to throw back to get to the point where you have to collectively scream who you are? Maybe you’re just so concussed that you have to remind yourself where you go to school during football games? Do you even know where you are? What is your name? What day of the week is it? We’re very concerned for you.
4.) The Constant Riots And Rallies:
Already a school filled with crazy parties, Penn State also happens to be known for rioting over practically anything. From the firing of legendary football coach Joe Paterno to clown sightings on campus, Penn State is just ready to get pissed and go crazy over anything. How haven’t they run out of property to destroy yet? Then at least the school could rebuild from scratch and maybe improve a little. That’s a hard maybe, though.
3.) Your Mascot Would Be The “Nittany Lion”:
What the FUCK is a Nittany Lion? We mean, c’mon! Imagine going to school where your mascot isn’t even a real thing? And it’s not even a well-known fake animal, like a unicorn or bears.
…Upon further research, we discovered that the mascot is actually named after Nittany Mountain, which is right by the campus, and the mountain lions that inhabit it. Which, honestly, makes us feel like they put too much effort into naming a mascot. Classic Penn State move.
2.) “Kernkraft 400” Is The Football Team’s Theme Song:
As if the “We Are” chant wasn’t obnoxious enough, whenever the school’s beloved football team does anything remotely positive, the stadium automatically blares “Kernkraft 400” by Zombie Nation at full volume. Even worse, the crowd adds the “We Are” chant into the song. You might as well be adding an “I hate myself” chant to “Wiggle” by Jason Derulo (For reference, “Kernkraft 400” is basically the electronic equivalent of “Wiggle.”)
You get the point.
1.) The Scandal:
It’s… you know. his is actually our 19th draft of this article. All the others? Filled with jokes about this. But they just never sat right. Like, just as an example:
[Removed by editor]
See? You’d never read our website again if we published something like that. Look, the point is: just feel lucky this didn’t actually happen at your school. Unless you’re a Penn State student reading this. In which case: tough luck, asshole.
Think about UMD. Imagine all the worst parts about it. Now think about Penn State. Maryland doesn’t seem so bad now, does it? It does? Oh. Well, you get our point.
Something so bad, 12 beers later, is so, so good.