Dad’s Day is a beautiful frat tradition where alumni fathers get to visit their sons at UMD and knock back some beers together. This event has likely come and gone for most Maryland fraternities, but The Black Sheep was nonetheless inspired to compile a list of potential ways your dad could get severely injured trying to hang with the boys. So, without further ado, here are the top 6 reasons your dad probably ended up in the hospital after Dad’s Day.
6.) He forgot the Gold Code:
It may have been some forty years since your dad was a college student, and in that time, it’s extremely likely he forgot the prime rule of drinking at UMD: Pregame with Protein! He probably only had those 3 cups of coffee for breakfast, which will do nothing to soak up that Zelko you’re gonna make him chug. Poor guy.
5.) He fell off an elevated surface:
We all know how critical the elevated surface is to any frat banger. So maybe your dad wanted to relive his glory days by busting a move on the stage, but before you know it, he busted every disk in his lower back and is now lying on the ground, yelling your mom’s name. Or maybe another woman’s name. Your dad’s a G.
4.) He drowned his lungs in Franzia:
The wine bag came around, and your dad just couldn’t say no to giving it a good slap for old time’s sake. Everything was going fine until that look of fear flashed in his eyes when he realized it was too early to bitch out after only two good swallows. You try to repress everything that came after that: the Franzia sputtering out of your dad’s nose, the Heimlich maneuver you had to perform on him, and then, sadly, the mouth to mouth you gave him when he was knocked out cold.
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3.) His ticker gave out:
Not surprising, really. With all that strenuous dartying, it’s amazing that even us millennial Terps can keep our hearts pumpin. So your dad forgot that he had a pacemaker and threw it back a little too hard in the dance circle. You can’t fault him for wanting to impress your brothers. You should probably go help those paramedics lift him onto the stretcher, though, dude.
2.) He lost a finger to a Natty:
It was the most unfortunate of events. One minute, your dad was slaying the shotgun tournament; and then one minute later, you were getting squirted in the eye with your dad’s blood. Oh, it’s a bloodbath. And the tip of his index finger is laying on the ground like a little hotdog. He’s gonna need like, 37 stitches and a shot of KG.
1.) He dislocated his hip replacement:
No one knew why he was writhing on the ground like that, but considering that the 2 foot PVC pipe in his hip just snapped, it sure sounds like he could use some medical attention. Stop watching and call 911! Why’d you let your dad hit the quan like that?
Whichever of these happened on your dad’s day, The Black Sheep knows it’ll probably scar you for life. With time, physical therapy, and family counseling, we hope you and your dad can heal those physical and emotional wounds leftover from your 2018 Dad’s Day.
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