Winter is, without question, the worst time of year at UMD. Why? The cold. The cold is the pain and suffering of a thousand Terp football fans. Its only purpose is to destroy the tender flesh of humanity. But here are a few sure-fire ways to defend against this merciless enemy.
8.) Eat everything in sight:
No clean veggies and quinoa here. Make a few stops to Bagel Place or Blaze on Route 1 to stock up on some yummy comfort food. The more carbs the better. Carbs mean fat and fat means insulation for your vital organs. Toasty.
7.) Don’t move:
Stay put. Preferably in your bed tucked tightly under the comfort of a blanket adorned with Testudo’s signature smirk. If you move too much your foot might poke out and the cold air will hit you. You don’t want that, do you?
6.) Never exercise. Ever:
If you exercise that means you have to leave the comfort of your bed. There’s a lot of cold air between your bed and Eppley. Avoid it.
5.) Invest in several streaming services:
Netflix is great but you know what else is? Hulu, Crunchyroll, Plex, DramaFever, Vudu… (we could go on) all available at any given time. Staying in bed will be a cinch with all that premium content at your fingertips. Your wallet will suffer a little but will you be cold? Nope.
4.) Break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend:
Everyone wants to look good for their significant other, but looking good requires maintenance. If you wanna stay warm, all maintenance must come to a screeching halt. Sacrifices must be made for a comfortable body temperature. Kick them to the curb. If you’re already single, you’re ahead of the game.
3.) As a matter of fact, just cut off everyone completely:
People are judgmental. They’ll see you in all your comfort and warmth and wonder what you’re doing with your life. “Why aren’t you going to class?” Because it’s cold! Eliminate this stress by eliminating them. Pizza rolls don’t judge you. Pizza rolls don’t judge anyone.
2.) Don’t even talk:
Talking means you’re moving your mouth. Moving your mouth burns calories. Burned calories means burned fat and you need that fat to keep you warm. Shut up and eat some Adele’s. You’ll feel better.
1.) Buy a coat:
Now you have the tools to survive this cold winter. Don’t fret, spring isn’t too far off. Warmth is love, warmth is life.