As of late, we’ve all been binge-drinking, binge-watching, all-nighting and life-contemplating. But through it all, Testudo is watching. And not just one of them, all of them. Whether sassy or sweet, each Testudo brings its own weird turtle-y voodoo to your day. Although, some of those shell-backed sages are cooler than others. The Black Sheep presents a definitive ranking of UMD’s campus Testudos.
5.) Common Testudo:
Location(s): Riggs Alumni Center, Xfinity Center, Adele H. Stamp Student Union and Byrd Stadium
Favorite hobby: Sulking around, waiting for people to rub their noses.
Theme Song: “Mr. Cellophane” –Chicago the Musical
Our Thoughts: “You guys are like the Pussycat Dolls. Who you are together is way more important than who you are apart.”
Conclusion: Always the Gretchen Wieners, never the Regina George.
4.) Kiddy Testudo:
Location: South Campus LEAP Preschool Program Playground
Favorite Hobby: Creepily watching four-year olds all day and somehow not being deemed a pedophile.
Theme Song: “Somebody’s Watching Me” –Rockwell
Our Thoughts: “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Heroes in a half shell. TURTLE POWER!”
Conclusion: Clean those handprints off your chest you sicko and get out of here.
3.) Tattered Testudo:
Location: University of Maryland’s Center for Young Children
Favorite Hobby: Relating his struggles to that of Quasimodo and begging for a new paint job.
Theme Song: “Save Me” –Remy Zero (Smallville Theme Song)
Our Thoughts: “BAHAHAHA, books…”
Conclusion: R-E-J-E-C-T-E-D. Rejected!
2.) Grassy Testudo:
Location: That small traffic circle in front of Cole Field House.
Favorite Hobby: Mastering the art of camouflage while smoking that green.
Theme Song: “Pass the Dutchie” –Musical Youth
Our Thoughts: “On a scale from 1 to 10, how sure are we that this is actually a turtle?”
Conclusion: Loner stoner.
1.) Holy Testudo:
Location: McKeldin Library
Favorite Hobby: Channeling his inner Yoncé
Theme Song: “Classic Man” –Jidenna
Our Thoughts: “My Heavenly Testudo, from whom all blessings flow, please accept this half-empty bottle of red Gatorade as a token of my foolishness and undeservedly give me a B- on my economics final.”
Conclusion: Head Bitch in Charge.
The big shot, the stoner, the creep, the wallflower and the follower. UMD’s Testudos pretty much make up the cast of any John Hughes movie ever made. Well…minus the asshole authority figure and those teary-eyed nervous breakdowns.