The College Park Police Department announced that RJ Bentley’s, a bar known and loved by Maryland students of all ages, has been caught allowing toddlers to consume alcohol this past “Halloweekend” prior to Halloween this Tuesday.
“We had all kinds of people coming through in costume. How were we supposed to know that the people dressed as 3-year-olds were actual 3-year-olds? That’s an unreasonable expectation,” said one bouncer, who spoke to The Black Sheep only on the condition of anonymity.
“Well, I guess it makes a lot more sense that they started serving juice, warm milk, and Redd’s Apple Ale,” frequent Bentley’s patron Mark Gilder noted. “Me and my friends would always tell the bartender that Redd’s was for babies, but we didn’t mean that literally.”
Unsurprisingly, the drunken toddlers didn’t come without a mess.
“It was kind of gross stepping around the dirty diapers and spit-up all over the patio area, but honestly? It wasn’t that much more disgusting than most weekends,” said Maryland senior Justine Yu. “Plus, it was sort of adorable to watch them stumble around with their little sippy cups of gin and juice.”
Not all of the customers are on board, though. “One of the little boys always calls me mommy and buys me this weird prune, plum, and Zelko cocktail on Fridays, which is kind of nice,” said regular RJ Bentley’s customer Annie Sue Shipley. “That ‘mommy’ shit is weird, though. He even followed me home. Seriously, does anyone know where this kid’s parents are? I don’t want this responsibility.”
The bar’s owners seemed surprisingly unconcerned when The Black Sheep reached them for comments. “I think that people might find it a little shocking, and the laws need to catch up with it, but what Bentley’s is really doing here is creating a tradition,” said Jonathon Bromberg, one of the business’ proprietors. “These kids are loyal customers now. They’re not just going to come here at 2 years old, but at 3 and 4 and so on. This could change the College Park bar scene forever.”
“Besides, who cares if they develop a little alcoholism before their 4th birthday?” Bromberg added. “Screwdrivers pair great with cake.”