With graduation right around the corner, there’s not a lot of time left to drink an irresponsible amount of alcohol just because. (Later on you’ll have actual reasons–i.e., because your office job is slowly crushing your soul.) Check this list to see if you’ve partaken in every important UMD drinking tradition.
6.) Drinking in the Freshman Dorms:
WHAT: It’s just drinking alcohol, except in a tiny, prison-like bedroom.
WHO: Freshmen, sophomores without fake IDs, and very sad upperclassmen.
WHERE: Any dorm on campus that houses freshmen.
WHEN: Whenever you want! All you have to do is open a beer inside a dorm room and begin consumption.
WHY: Convenience–If you’re hanging out with people in your hall, you don’t even need to leave the building to do it!
COST: However much your older brother told you that handle of Burnett’s cost.
RATING: 4/10, unless your RA doesn’t bust you.
5.) Trivia Night at Looney’s:
WHAT: It’s a trivia competition, during which you can purchase and consume beverages and foodstuff, you trivia pig.
WHO: Students who are too scared to go out on weekends and professors after work.
WHERE: Looney’s Pub, sports bar and haunt of factoid-loving swine.
WHY: It’s a great way to meet other trivia pigs, you monster.
COST: Your dignity when you’re revealed to the world as a disgusting bovine of knowledge.
RATING: 10/10. Holy shit, did you know trivia is actually awesome?
4.) Fishbowls at Turf:
WHAT: It’s alcohol, but there’s more of it than usual, and it’s served in a fish’s home.
WHO: Mostly homesick fish and conjoined twins who prefer their drinks to be as connected as they are.
WHERE: Terrapin Turf
WHEN: They serve them anytime, but you look like a lot less of an asshole if you don’t try to order them at 11 p.m. on a Friday night.
WHY: Did we not explain already? It’s alcohol, but there’s more of it than usual, and it’s served in a fish’s home.
RATING: 7/10. Points lost out of sympathy for the fish who gave his house for this.
3.) Friday Night Line at Bentley’s:
WHAT: It’s the line outside of Bentley’s.
WHO: Anyone who wants to get into Bentley’s.
WHERE: Right outside of Bentley’s. Are you not getting this?.
WHEN: Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights.
WHY: We’ll be honest. We don’t know. We’ve only ever stood in the line. We’ve never actually made it in. Something really special must be in there, or else the line wouldn’t be so long.
RATING: 7/10. We’ve made some of my best friends and met four senators on line at Bentley’s. But, again, we’ve never been inside. Who knows what it holds?
2.) A House Party:
WHAT: A lot of people get together to drink alcohol in your house.
WHO: Your friends, some of your friends’ friends, that cute girl from BSCI105, and the boyfriend you didn’t know she had when you invited her.
WHERE: It’s in your house. Just stay put.
WHEN: Whenever you want.
WHY: It’s cheaper than bars, and you get to have someone vomit all over your futon.
COST: In money? Not that much. In upholstery stains? Too much.
RATING: 5/10. Would be 7/10 except someone kicked in your window and the landlord’s pissed.
WHAT: It’s just you drinking alcohol by yourself.
WHO: You and absolutely no one else. Especially not your ex.
WHERE: Somewhere isolated. Maybe in your car outside your ex’s house.
WHEN: If you know her schedule, pick a time she won’t be coming home to kiss her new boyfriend a bunch. You want no distractions so you can really brood.
WHY: She’s not coming back.
COST: Who even cares?
RATING: Grey. Everything is grey since she left.