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What The Hell Are All The Old Dead People Thinking In Those Portraits In Van Munching Hall?

If you’ve set foot in almost any academic building on campus, you’ve probably seen those dusty old portraits hanging up. What were these important UMD founders thinking as they posed for the portraits that would someday line the halls of the university? The answers, hopefully, are prettier than the subjects themselves. So we’re gonna take some guesses about 5 of them.

5 & 4.) Joseph and Millard Tydings, Tydings Hall: 

Portraits of ultimate notorious UMD daddy, Millard Tydings, and his son, Joseph, hang in this building. Millard’s got a sort of Godfather thing goin’ on, and Joseph Tydings looks like a distant member of the Bush family. You can tell by the size of Millard’s jawline that he has definitely ordered some people around before, but we think he’s actually remembering that time FDR ran for a surprise third term and beat him in the presidential election of 1940.

3.) Adele Stamp, Stamp Student Union:

Good ‘ole Adele looks like a damn snack in her Stamp portrait. You almost forget the fact that she looks and probably smells like your grandma. Wait, is Adele your grandma? Dude, she’s kinda hot. But she looks like she’s holding in the biggest fart ever like she’s reeaallllly concentrating. Looks like the silent but deadly type. Real classy, Adele. Apparently just because someone LOOKS like the Queen of England doesn’t mean they have the same manners as her.

2.) Leo Van Munching, Van Munching Hall:

Leo looks pretty unimpressed by all you cranky business majors walking around with your heads up your asses. Though his smile looks innocent enough, one can guess that he’s had his fair share of ass the way he’s flashing those dimples. You know what else Leo’s had his fair share of? Beer. Yup. Started his own beer importing biz in the old days. We can tell you’re tired of this portrait bullshit and ready to crack open a cold one with your comrades, Leo. Our best guess is you’re a Corona guy.

1.) R. Lee Hornbake, Hornbake Library:

Some quote, there R. Lee Hornbake. Why can’t you just tell us your real name, though? What does the “R” actually stand for? By the looks of your hairline, it stands for “Retired.” But props to you for going the studious route in your portrait, even though all of us can see that you’re intensely squinting at the book 11 inches from your face. In conclusion, “R” probably stands for “Really fucking old.”

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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