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Maryland Football, According to One Very Drunk White Girl

Sunny autumn Saturdays in College Park are meant to be spent in one way: tailgating, drinking shitty beer, and cheering on our decidedly average football team. In honor of our second-to-last home game (versus Ohio State), we decided to get out of bed before 1 o’clock for once and bravely venture to check out the scene. Our findings? Lot 1 had become a sea of red clothing, littered with even more white girls than beer cans.

Decked out in the typical game day outfit of Maryland flag socks, oversized Maryland shirts, and football-themed face stickers, all while holding a half empty can of Natty Light, the slightly-stumbling white girls were hard to miss. We decided to stop and ask one of these dedicated Terps, who described herself as a “fucking drunk girl who knows nothing about football when she’s sober, but even less when she’s drunk,” a few questions about the game.

The Black Sheep: Tell us what you know about football.

Very Drunk White Girl: I know absolutely nothing. I can name you maybe a couple positions.

TBS: Okay, what positions do you know?

VDWG: There’s a quarterback, maybe a linebacker, running back. There seems to be a lot of backs involved. I don’t know anything else.

TBS: Do you know any of the football players?

VDWG: Nope. Not a single member of the team.

[To be fair: same, girl. Same.]

TBS: Do you know how many schools are in the Big Ten?

VDWG: I feel like answering ten would be wrong. I have absolutely no idea. Maybe like, twelve?

TBS: It’s actually fourteen.

VDWG: It’s fourteen. That’s fine, that’s fine.

TBS: Do you know what team we’re playing today?

VDWG: Ohio!

TBS: Great job! You got one! Can you describe how somebody scores in football, like that how that whole process works?

VDWG: They run to the end of the field and then they’re like, “wooooo…”

[At this point, she puts her arms in the air, in the shape of the goal posts, and begins swaying from side to side.]

VDWG: “…touchdown!” and then they score.

[After swaying for a bit longer, she decided to make sure we understood.]

VDWG: They essentially run to an end and they’re like, “wooooo!”

[She once again raises her arms like goal posts.]

VDWG: Or they do the kick thing into the “wooooo!”

TBS: Thank you so much for speaking with us.

VDWG: This is probably the worst interview you’ve ever had in your entire life.

No, Very Drunk White Girl, this was definitely not the worst interview that The Black Sheep has ever had, but it was definitely the most inspiring. We want to be at that same happily oblivious drunk stage as you, with our only care in the world being where the next beer is coming from. Someday we’ll get there. Someday.

Something so bad, 12 beers later, is so, so good.

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