Happy Thanksgiving, Terps! Soon you’ll be home and all you’ll be able to think about is how much you wish you were hammered as you stare at football and receive one-too-many aggressive hugs from grandma. If you’re one of the lucky kids, maybe your dad will sneak you a glass of wine or a beer. But for most of us with parents who equate alcohol with the devil, quenching your thirst for liquor will be a challenge over the next few days of break. Here are some tips on how to sneak that booze in the presence of your pesky parents, from The Black Sheep to you.
Step 1 — Sneak some hooch in an inconspicuous package:
This can be accomplished by pouring UV Blue into a Listerine bottle, by carving out the pages of your useless textbooks and hiding a flask in the hole, or by using a good ol’ vodka soaked tampon. When things get tense during Thanksgiving, you can covertly slip away from the table and chug away your problems.
Step 2 — Drink mouthwash, rubbing, or isopropyl alcohol:
The average mouthwash contains 26.9% alcohol, which makes it about 54 proof. And although consuming any of these substances may make you lose your vision, you’ll definitely need something to take the edge off from your weird uncle incoherently screaming “TRUMP” every ten minutes.
Step 3 — Tell them alcohol is a medical necessity to you:
Try something like, “Mom, it is simply IMPERATIVE that you give me a fish bowl, or at the very least a shot, or I will go into Low Blood Alcohol Concentration Shock Syndrome (LBACSS), and if that happens, I will literally die. Do you want me to die, Mom?” Hopefully, her motherly instincts will kick in and she’ll rush to the liquor cabinet to pour you some shots.
Step 4 — Stash a handle in the fridge:
With the monstrous turkey, the mashed potatoes, the cranberry sauce, the rolls, and both pies crammed into your refrigerator, there’s no way your parents will notice one measly bottle of Zelko. And even if they do see it, who besides a Terp really knows what the fuck Zelko is, anyways?
Step 5 — Tell them how shitty college really is:
No lying required, really. You can really ham this one up. Make sure to emphasize how hard your semester has been, and how walking everywhere has given you bunions on your feet. You could even tell them your roommates are kicking you out because you cry so loud when you’re up late at night trying to do your assignments. Your parents will naturally cave, take pity on your woes, and hand you a drink. Bonus points if you can convince your mom that you need $20 for “school supplies.”
Step 6 — If all else fails, get down on your knees and beg:
In the midst of all the holiday hustle and bustle, your parents really won’t have time for your temper tantrum. It’s like when you were 5 years old in line at the grocery store, crying over a chocolate bar. This stunt may actually remind them of when you were a cute little child (except for all you comp sci majors), and they may begin reminiscing over your youth. Before you know it, you’re cracking open a cold one with good ol’ dad. Score!
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