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Stamp Has Coffee For You! But You Have to Get Out of Bed for It

With the new semester now in full swing, attendance in classes has hit an all-time low. When deciding whether or not to get out of bed in the morning, most people have glanced out of the window at the oppressively grey sky and perpetually wet sidewalks, and promptly decided that class is simply not worth the effort.

In an attempt to bring up attendance rates, Maryland’s own Stamp Student Union has decided to give out free coffee and hot-chocolate to students brave enough to leave their perfectly warm blankets for their 8 a.m. organic chemistry lecture.

“I’ll do anything for free caffeine,” says junior mechanical engineering major Teagan Greene. “I haven’t slept in a week, and this is all that’s keeping me going.”

If students react well, Stamp plans to extend their plan to include all of the coffee shops on campus in a desperate ploy to get people to actually care about their education. So far, though, the response has been lukewarm, just like the coffee being served.

“If I’m not getting out of bed for my $40,000 education, I’m sure as hell not getting up for some dirt water,” claims Mack Lester, a senior public health major. “I mean, the water around here is dirty enough, so you came up with the great idea to put more dirt in it and sell it. Now that’s what I call a fearless idea.”

Despite the backlash, officials at Stamp are confident that this newest scheme will give students the boost they need to get up and out to class.

“Nothing motivates broke college students like the promise of free stuff,” says one anonymous Stamp official. “How do you think we get people to pretend to care about the football team?”

It remains to be seen whether three half-empty tubs of instant coffee and out-of-date creamer will actually make people come out of their rooms, much less make the trek to class.

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