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5 Woeful Stories Overheard From That One Gross Stall In The Girl’s Bathroom At Turf

The girls bathroom at Turf has undeniably seen some ugly shit. Literally and figuratively. Personal stories and fluids, alike, have been shared and spilled behind that mysterious black door. Here are 5 of the most tragic tales overheard from the war zone that is the girls bathroom at Turf. 

5.) The girl that got herpes from her boyfriend…from her roommate:
We’re sorry her boyfriend smashed her roommate, but we’re even more sorry that she caught her roommate’s herpes. They shared everything–clothes, food, homework answers–and now they can share some genital wart cream! If she acts fast, she might be able to get out of her apartment lease with that backstabbing twinky. Oh, right, there’s two of those in her life. Damn.

4.) The girl that naked-lapped around Turf:
Like most alcohol-induced decisions, it probably seemed like SUCH a great idea at the time she planned it in the bathroom. One minute she was busy struggling to get her pants back on, and the next, she yelled out a frustrated, “FUCK IT,” then stripped completely naked, and darted out of the bathroom, flying her pants behind her like a battle flag.

3.) The girl that accidentally sexted her Orgo professor:
After approximately 12 minutes of continuous screaming, she calmly locked herself in the bathroom stall and pulled the trigger. When she came out, she started immediately writing an apology email along the lines of, “Dear Professor, for the love of god, please don’t open the ELMS message I just sent you. I attached the wrong file. Whatever you do, don’t open it. I promise I don’t want your dick. Please don’t flunk me. Thank you and goodnight.”

2.) The girl going into anaphylactic shock:
“Why does my tongue feel fuzzy. And hot. Oh my god ith getting bigger. What wath in that fishbowl? Pleath tell me you told them to hold the cherrieth. Thomeone take me to the hothpital NOW. Oh my god Chad cannot thee me like thith, Becky go tell him to leave RIIIIIIGHT NOWWWWWW.” Poor girl.

1.) The girl who thinks she committed a crime last night, but can’t remember:
She claims she woke up wearing a black ski mask this morning and has spent the entire day trying to retrace her steps from last night. The normal clues were all there: 16 outgoing calls to her ex-boyfriend, a 4 a.m. gas station purchase, and even a chipped tooth. “Maybe I hotwired a car last night. I don’t remember but I don’t think I was arrested, so we’re Gucci.”

So if you’ve ever wondered why girls take group bathroom trips, these horrific tales probably helped to provide you some answers. The girl’s bathroom of Turf is a dangerous place where the laws of physics, time, and space do not apply. Beware, Lady Terps!

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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