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Terps Delay Move to Canada Due to Class Registration

It seems that every four years, thousands of Americans swear that they’ll move to Canada if one candidate or the other wins. As usual, though, to the detriment of Canadian universities everywhere, many American college students are quietly dragging their feet on immigration promises.

Leading up to the election, college students’ pledges to move to Canada increased so rapidly that UMD administrators reportedly contemplated lowering tuition prices and installing air conditioning in all of the dorms in a last-ditch effort to retain as many Terps as possible. Yet, in the wake of Donald Trump’s victory, not a single Terp has actually left for the Great White North. This hesitation is rooted not in patriotism, but a much more primal and powerful desire—the lust for a perfect class schedule.

Registration, a biannual battle for slots in coveted classes like “The Psychology of Happiness” and “Juggling” is a bloody, viciously competitive affair that often invites desperate acts of sabotage.

“Non-majors are always filling up classes I need for my degree,” an anonymous student explained. “Honestly, we need to build a firewall on the Drop/Add website to stop those minors from sneakily registering for our classes and stealing our spots. We should make them pay for that firewall, too.”

Such tactics may seem brutal, but in light of ghastly seat shortages and an all-time low approval rating for certain professors, Terps are desperate to protect their interests.

This year, the beginning of spring registration coincided almost exactly with the election results. The timing is significant for upperclassmen who, having the most credits, get first pick at classes. Many of them, being at the top of the registration food chain, are torn between their immigration promises and coveted slots in fun classes.

“On one hand, Trump is definitely going to burn the country to the ground and that’s why I swore to move to Canada,” senior Mia Turner acknowledged. “But I just got a spot in this ‘Why do Things Burn’ class after literally four years of trying and I really just don’t want to miss it.”

“Honestly, my registration time has been unfairly late for most of my college career. After two years of being the little guy, I’m a junior now. The registration schedule is finally working in my favor. Why would I leave the country when I can make my college experience great again?” government and politics major Ralph Dickens remarked.

Many would-be Canadians, thus incentivized to remain in the country for the rest of the semester, claim that there are merely postponing, not cancelling, their vows to immigrate.

“Once I get my diploma I’m out of here—and I mean it this time! Hopefully by then, I’ll have learned how to speak Canadian,” senior linguistics major Nadia Hope told The Black Sheep. “Oh, I should check if there’s a class for that!”

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