Finals season is around the corner, and that means students at Maryland are at the mercy of their lord and savior, Testudo. Sure, hard work and dedication are often reliable indicators of how someone will perform on their finals. But the only foolproof way to score that sought-after A is to make a generous sacrifice to Testudo. If you’re hard up for ideas on what to give him, here are a few suggestions:
Nothing says, “I want to do okay my finals” more than offering Testudo Zelko, the shittiest alcohol in the area. Don’t worry, though. He’s kind enough to appreciate any gifts he’s given. So while you may not pass with flying colors, you will still pass (probably).
9.) The Newest Fashion Trends:
Testudo is an old soul, so he often falls behind on the latest fashion trends. Decking out Testudo in the season’s hottest threads is a sure way to get on his good side and not fail your finals. Hint: we hear he’s a big fan of seersucker.
8.) Naming Your First Born After Testudo:
Can’t afford buy Testudo an offering? There are still plenty of options! Why not name your first-born child after Testudo in exchange for A’s on your finals? Plus, in the future, whenever you look at your child, you always will remember who to thank for your wonderful life.
7.) A Toilet:
It might not seem intuitive to offer him a toilet, but Testudo is going to have major respect for whoever lugs one to his statue. Odds are giving Testudo a toilet will give him something to shit on that isn’t your final grades for once.
6.) Your Soul:
Don’t think you have anything left to offer? No need to worry, Testudo is willing to bargain. Selling your soul for A’s seems like a pretty fair trade, no? And without a soul you won’t feel bad about failing your finals next semester. It’s a classic win/win scenario.
5.) Top Shelf Liquors:
Testudo is a classy turtle, who demands the finest liquors you have to offer. There’s nothing more he enjoys than relaxing on his perch, sipping on a glass of brandy, and choosing who is going to fail and who is going to pass this semester.
4.) Five Virgins:
Legend has it that sacrificing five virgins to Testudo will summon the dark lord. Not sure if this has any impact on doing well on finals, but it’s worth a shot. This ritual should be performed with caution. Stand a few feet back, or risk engulfment in his flames.
What better way to please Testudo then to offer him the $500 worth of textbooks you never used this semester? Not only are you giving up studying for finals, you’re putting your faith in the one true God, Testudo, to get you that A. May he look kindly upon you.
2.) Another Person
Need A’s on your finals? Have a friend who doesn’t want to face the reality of failing their exams? Kill two birds with one stone, and sacrifice your fellow Terp to Testudo. Remember: the more blood spilled, the higher your grade will end up.
1.) Your fake I.D.:
This is the ultimate sacrifice. You can sacrifice your soul, another person, or any amount of material items, but nothing comes close to offering Testudo your fake I.D. By presenting your entire social life to Testudo, he will assuredly reward you with 100’s on all of your finals. We hope you find comfort in that.