The University of Maryland is a vibrant community of many different religious perspectives. We respect everyone’s beliefs, but at the end of the day, there are just some rules you must follow if you want to be a happy, healthy Terp. Here are the ten most important rules for Terps, written in biblical commandment form, just so The Black Sheep had an excuse to break out that ancient slang.
I. Thou shalt never miss chicken tender day at the diner:
Sometimes this blessed day is a Tuesday, Wednesday, or Friday. Find each week’s designated weekday on the dining schedule in any of the diners. There’s a reason they rope off the line. The tenders are just that tasty. Tip: Enjoy with honey mustard, or your choice of sauce.
II. Thou shalt make precious offerings to Testudo:
Only if you’re trying to pass your exams, of course. It’s not like you really studied anyways. Testudo only gives out A’s for the really good stuff though, such as burrito bowls or Starbs.
III. Thou shalt spend all thine dining dollars at Chick-fil-A:
Welcome to that wonderful point in the semester called, “Help! I ate all my money!” And the worst part is, you were probably trashed when you spent $50 at the 24 hour shop.
IV. Thou shalt not blaspheme our men’s basketball team:
If you couldn’t tell by now, UMD is definitely not a football school. But our top 10 basketball ranking should clear things up for anyone out there who wants to talk shit.
V. Thou shalt idolize Wally Loh:
And get your turtle/selfie combo from him. The guy’s adorable, not to mention a campus icon.
VI. Thou shalt never set foot at the point of failure:
This spot is located in the South Campus Quad, and it’s rumored that stepping there delays your graduation by a year. So, stay away, or else you’ll become a super-senior, and those are just, like, gross.
VII. Thou shalt not make direct eye contact with another person on the bus:
We all hate small talk. Don’t be That Guy™ on the bus that tries to make friends by staring at someone. The #1 rule of public transportation: Mind your own damn business!
VIII. Thou shalt not set off any sprinklers, anywhere:
Although this would be a hilarious prank, please do not throw a ball or poke at any of the sprinklers in the campus buildings. They haven’t been replaced in thirty years, so the water in those pipes is dirtier than yo’ mama’s asshole! Sorry. Your mom is a lovely woman. But please, don’t set off the sprinklers.
IX. Thou shalt not miss out on Happy Hour:
You got out of bed today, and maybe went to one of your classes! That diligent effort deserves a reward. Take yourself to happy hour at *insert bar of choice* and you can try to go to your classes again tomorrow.
X. Thou shalt hate Duke with the fire of a thousand suns:
You agreed to this when you submitted your University of Maryland application. As a Terp, it must be your primary duty to stomp out Duke University from the face of the Earth. This can be achieved through anti-Duke propaganda, rioting in the streets, or even vandalism.