Remember all those “fun facts” about Maryland that they told you at freshman orientation? Of course not! No one really cares about cool things that happened three decades ago. Let’s face it: bad news is always more interesting. Wouldn’t it be more fun to learn about the fucked up stuff that’s happened here? The Black Sheep thinks so! We’ve taken the liberty of dredging up the most painful, awkward, and downright creepy true stories this campus has to offer. Let’s take a trip down UMD’s gritty memory lane:
5.) Ledo’s Waitress Fired for Complaining About Bad Tip:
Pittsburgh Steelers running back DeAngelo Williams decided to grace The Original Ledo Restaurant with his presence last year. It would have been awesome if he’d graced the waitress with a nice bonus, too—but instead, he left her a mere 75 cent tip after eating a $128 meal. When she complained, she got fired. Maybe it’s time UMD found a new football team to hate! Only fellow broke college students are allowed to under-tip at the local restaurants, and even then it’s still shitty. A rich dude has no excuse.
4.) Campus Wide Blackout:
A campus-wide blackout in Spring 2015 left all Terps bereft of electricity for several hours. No Wi-Fi, no lights, no dining services. We get it, UMD, the crap-hole dorms are there only to teach us to survive without things like A/C, privacy, or self respect—but wasn’t it going a bit far to make us go without food? On the plus side, classes were cancelled. On the downside, we snake people have lost the ability to entertain ourselves without technology, making this a truly dark chapter in our school’s history.
3.) The Campus Cuddler:
A guy used to sneak into random dorms and climb into bed with sleeping girls. Groggy and caught unawares, the victims weren’t able to identify him before he bolted. Yes, it’s just as creepy as it sounds. No, they never caught him. The lucky ones just got spooned. The not-so-lucky ones awoke to him jacking off. Thanks for ruining cuddling, dude. And beds. And everything except for really expensive locks. For some high quality nightmares, just google “Campus Cuddler.”
2.) The Pepper Sprayed Grad Party:
Let’s face it: underage drinking is College Park’s lifeblood. Without parties, our entire social system would collapse. So we’re still confused why a Courtyards graduation party got busted in the first place, and we’re especially outraged that the cops pepper sprayed attendees. Seeing as creeps like the Campus Cuddler are running around scot-free, we’re wondering why they thought ruining some seniors’ last college party was a good use of time. Also, they were wearing body cameras and the footage got released, so these are clearly the dumbest cops in the history of Maryland’s police force.
1.) The Music Video for “Only Wanna Be With You” was Shot in the Armory:
Pop group Hootie and the Blowfish shot part of their music video for “Only Wanna Be With You” in the Reckord Armory. The fact that the video for this magnificent piece of music was created on campus isn’t the fucked up part–we’re just questioning why they did it in the Armory. Of all the cool buildings on campus, why did they choose this drafty, out-of-the-way shithole? Most of us hate the Armory–finding out that you have a class in this remote building is like a death sentence. Maybe they heard the name “Reckord Armory” and thought it was a “Record Armory”? Ugh.