Well, well, well…who would’ve thought one of the players that helped lead us to the Sweet 16 in 2016 actually got paid for doing it? Definitely not us, but we’re definitely not surprised by any means. Diamond was good for the time being, but was he worth $14k? No fucking way. That leads us to another question; what could our school have done with that money instead of paying Diamond Stone?
5.) Pay for a year of someone’s tuition:
This is the easiest answer here! Why not grant one lucky person a year of free college as a Terp instead of giving Diamond a semester. Imagine what a deserving student could do with a year of free schooling… They probably could develop an app for how to properly time out your commute to class or how to not be an NBA bust. Regardless, this money could practically pay for an out-of-stater’s semester. C’mon UMD, you have to do better.
4.) Buy a 2015 Toyota Corolla:
Fuck yea! Why would you want to better the basketball team when you could just buy a pretty sick Corolla that’s seen the road a good bit? Imagine catching Wally Loh whipping a Corolla around Lot 1 and catching a turtle pin from him. Pretty great, right? Anyway, you should definitely start saving your money for a Toyota Corolla instead of illegally compensating D1 athletes in order to have them represent your school. It’s a WAY better investment and won’t let you down in the playoffs, we promise.
3.) Invest in BitCoin:
If it were 2016, University of Maryland could buy a whole fuck ton of BitCoin for $14,000. Imagine if the news hit that our university hopped into the crypto currency game before the price exploded a year or so later! Think of the possibilities! Our school could have had around over $440,000 in expendable funds and in NCAA scandal terms, that’s around 30 Diamond Stones. That’s a lot of overhyped D1 centers.
2.) Build a free parking lot or two:
Could you imagine UMD having a free parking lot? Me neither, but it doesn’t hurt to dream. With a quick Google search, you’ll find that a little parking lot costs around $6k but a bigger one costs over $10k. So for $14k, our school could have a good-sized guest parking lot for one Diamond Stone. You wouldn’t have to worry about getting towed or getting a citation from DOTS, but you wouldn’t have a Sweet 16 appearance. It sounds like a good deal to us!
1.) One free night at Bent’s:
For one whole night, everyone would not have to pay that bullshit cover at RJ Bentley’s. We’ve all had that one friend or been that one friend who was told $15 at the door, and with this ingenious plan, everyone could save a little bit of money and not have to pay cover for a night. Who needs Diamond Stone when the whole university could get into the most overrated bar on campus? That may be an opinionated statement but we’d much rather hope y’all would want to not freak out about paying too much money for cover. Sorry Diamond, but this school loves its bar scene too much for you to be a Terp.
Some schools are going to be seriously changed because of this NCAA FBI probe stuff, but if we’ve learned anything it’s not worth it to prepay for basketball players.
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