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UMPD Apologizes For ‘French Fry’ Alert That Prompted Campus-Wide Riots

It has been five days since the disastrous event known to most UMD residents as “The McKeldin Munchie Gang Riot,” which was prompted after a UMPD alert warned all students that French fries would not be available for the next month.

The message read: “UMPD Alert: All UMD diners have run out of French fries for the next month. Please take caution and remember that mashed potatoes are still available and are an equally unhealthy source of starch and, as the millennials call it, gains.”

Following this announcement, “all hell broke loose” according to Mark, who had just taken the last batch of fries on campus seconds after the alert was released. Following this, an angry mob chased him. “I had to throw the plate into the mob just to get out of there unscathed,” Mark told us in an exclusive interview. When asked if he had further comments, Mark replied, “Please follow me on SoundCloud, my stage name is: Lil Julio.”

Soon after the alert, a riot formed at McKeldin, led by a group of UMD “herb enthusiasts” known as “UMD Jointed Together.”

“Man those guys had a BAD case of the munchies, for real,” said one eyewitness.

Although no injuries have been reported, an estimated $330,000 of property damage was inflicted to many UMD buildings. A leaked health inspection report has claimed that the “damage to Elkton is so severe, it has become unlivable, even to the mold.”

Although it hasn’t been confirmed, a source from Wally “I’m Still Standing, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah” Loh’s office has stated that he wants to increase tuition to help pay for damages.

A spokesperson for the UMPD has released an apology: “We at UMPD apologize for not handling the French fry outage more delicately. Furthermore, we also apologize for taking three hours to respond to the riots because we were all at yoga.”

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