Let’s face it, it’s not that hard to make fun of Donald Trump. Actually, it’s kind of the “in thing” to mention casually, at least once a day, that he sucks and shouldn’t be allowed to run a canned food drive, much less a freaking country.
But while everyone–Republican, Democrat, and Pastaferian alike–makes fun of Trump, no one seems to be offering any useful suggestions about him.
Well, The Black Sheep has the answer–our beloved school mascot, god, and protector, Testudo should run for president, instead! Here’s a list of reasons why.
5.) Turtles are Better than Ducks:
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Trump’s first name was stolen from Donald Duck. That’s just pathetic. Who wants a duck to run the most powerful nation on the planet? Turtles are better any day of the week–they have shells, they have very wise faces, and they don’t make irritating squawking noises. Wouldn’t it be awe-inspiring to see Testudo’s face looking at us from behind that desk in the Oval Office?
4.) Testudo’s Nose Brings Good Luck:
Generations of Terps will tell you that Testudo’s nose is magical and awesome. Students rub it and find that their grades dramatically improve. Imagine what would happen if world leaders like Putin could rub our president’s nose! All of our problems would probably be instantly solved!
3.) Testudo Knows DC Really Well:
For those of you Terps who weren’t really bored and tuning out the Images tours, you might remember a fun fact–Testudo can see DC from McKeldin! His eyes gaze benignly at our nation’s capitol. Trump’s too busy burying his nose into his stacks of money, whereas Testudo actually sees DC all the time.
2.) Testudo Cares:
Politicians are all old farts who were alive before the internet was around. They clearly don’t give a **** about people our age. But Testudo obviously cares about us! He brings us good luck and puts up with our shit.
1.) Testudo Would Lower Taxes:
Testudo is a magical creature who only requires sacrifices to survive. If he was the president, he wouldn’t need a salary–he’d just need White House interns to leave him their coffee, shoes, bras, etc. (And unlike Clinton, he wouldn’t have sex with them.) The national debt could be greatly reduced if we could pay our leader with food and offerings instead of money.
So bottom line–stand aside, Trump! Testudo will run for president, and not only will he win, he will make the world a much better place.