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Why the UMD Quidditch Team Deserves Funding

 

No one can deny that the Maryland Quidditch Team is a serious group of athletes. Seen dedicatedly practicing on the Mall, they inspire Harry Potter fans with their skill and dexterity. Football, basketball, baseball and other sportsballs that no one really cares about gobble up thousands of dollars of our tuition every year. So, why not the literally magical game of Quidditch? Here are five good reasons why the Quidditch team should receive funding.

 

5.) It’s An All-Inclusive Sport:

Quidditch doesn’t discriminate on age, gender, or body type. No nonsense about separate girls’ and boys’ teams — everyone’s an equal here. In this enlightened age, you don’t even need to be a wizard to join the team. Anyone can try out, provided they’re willing to run around with a broom between their legs.

 

4.) A Dedicated Fanbase:

Quidditch fans literally read hundred-page books and have movie marathons that last days. They’re so familiar with famous Quidditch players’ lives and games that they cry and write fanfiction about them. They proudly wear their teams’ colors year round. (Fact: The average Terp is more likely to own a Slytherin scarf than one of the pointlessly hideous pieces of Maryland gear from the school store.) What other sport attracts that kind of intellectual and emotional devotion?

 

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3.) Quidditch Players are Skilled:

Seriously, guys. Basketball and football players just have to run around a field or court and toss a ball around. But Quidditch players literally do all of that one-handed, while holding a broom between their legs. This is a sport that cultivates dexterity, athleticism, teamwork, and a singular ability to not give a shit about what other people think.

 

2.) Year-Round Sport:

Basketball and football are only available in certain seasons, so their fans have to sit around half the year with nothing to do. (Although in the case of Maryland Football, they probably need that time for psychological recovery.)  Quidditch, however, is year-round. Unlimited by traditional constraints, this sport is here for our pleasure — rain or shine.

 

1.) Good, Clean Fun:

You don’t need to worry about crazy Quidditch players partying it up with beer or tearing up frat houses — rest assured, after a good game they’ll go home, plug in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, and finish off the night with some homemade butterbeer. Quidditch has all the athleticism and hard work of traditional sports and none of the dumb, drunken shenanigans. It’s like the teacher’s pet of sports.

You heard it, Terps. Quidditch deserves university funding. Just imagine the possibilities — concession stands for butterbeer and chocolate frogs, a new stadium, free copies of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets for all players… this magnificent sport deserves the school’s attention and respect. While The Black Sheep can’t officially suggest that its readers pelt Loh’s house and car with broomsticks and chocolate frog wrappers, we’re certainly not opposed to the idea.

 

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