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Miami Ohio

How to: Repel Creeps at the Bars

We all know them: the guys and gals who not only can’t take the hint, they refuse to. You’re just out at Brick minding your own business, when out of nowhere a stage 5 clinger comes up and attaches themselves to you – The. Entire. Night. This isn’t your average bar crawler. No amount of “I have a boyfriend/girlfriend” or “sorry, I’m just not interested” seems to get through their heads. In cases like these, you need to bring out the big guns. 

 

If they say “Wanna dance?” You say…
Sorry, my mom said no.

 

Not only will this completely throw them off their game, it will also insinuate that you are not, in fact, of legal age.  And if they still won’t leave you alone after that, call your mom and have her talk to him.

 

If they say “Can I buy you a drink?” You say…
Sure!

 

Then order a glass of milk. And proceed to drink out of it like a cat. 

 

If they say “Can you buy me a drink?” You say…
Sorry, I’m saving up to buy my girlfriend a promise ring.

 

Bonus points if one of your female friends pretends to have overheard and comes up squealing and smiling. If they seem to not care about the fact that your heart belongs to someone else, just bring them up every time you speak. Literally every time. Eventually, your persistent pursuer will get so annoyed with you that they’ll look for some other poor soul to cling to. Hopefully. 

 

If they say “Wanna go outside and grab some air?” You say…
Actually, we have plenty of air in here, especially since the windows are open. And there isn’t much plant life outside, so the ratio of oxygen to nitrogen, water vapor, argon, and carbon dioxide is relatively the same, meaning we could grab just as much air inside. Not to mention the fact that it’s near impossible to “grab” air, considering it’s in a gaseous state and would immediately float out of your hands…

 

If needed, expand on this tidbit of knowledge until either A. his ears start to bleed, or B. one of his creepy friends comes up and helps him slowly back away. This is a personal favorite of mine since I have an arsenal of useless facts at my disposal, but even if you don’t, just make them up. That adds to the crazy factor.

 

If they say nothing and try to dance with you anyway, you…
Start violently convulsing in the middle of the dance floor. When you’re inevitably given weird looks, tell them it’s “interpretive.” 

 

If they try a weird pickup line, you…
Motion seductively for them to come closer, and ever-so-slowly turn away like you have a secret… Then whip your head around like a bat out of hell and stare directly into their soul with the craziest eyes you can make. 
Then don’t say a word. Just. Stare.

 

It’s a weird world out there sometimes, and any smart bar-goer needs to have these tricks up their sleeves. Once you’ve learned how to out-crazy the crazies, your nights will become a lot less stressful, not to mention a lot more memorable. And when all else fails, play it safe and stick with your friends.

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