One of the most dreaded parts of college is public restrooms. No longer are you home with the leisurely open window heading to the downstairs bathroom of your house with no one bothering you, whenever you want. Nope, unless you’re a savage and use the outdoors in the light of day (much to dismay of tour groups), then you must come to terms of doin’ the dirty (non-sexual… or maybe sexual) in the presence of other human beings.
Yes, we know it’s offered, but no Miami student would enter these troths unless they wish to leave filthier than they entered. It’s true, most drunk people are afraid to even puke in them, but that doesn’t stop the most ratchet of us. But hey, if you’re looking to study a disease — Ebola, Swine flu, you name it — you know where to find it. Or at least where they go to die.
We get it, you may be in a rush, your hands are cracked, you swear you’re going to your room to use the Bath and Body Works hand sanitizer that smells just OH sooo good! At least just fake it if another person’s in the room.
What do you do if one of THOSE special people is in the bathroom with you? Let’s say you go in to just do your business and your professor is in the bathroom, that perfect girl in class, or President Hodge? Do you do your duty and unveil that you are mortal? You could A). Do what you came to do. B). Pretend like you’re fixing your contact in the mirror and subsequently poke your eye for five minutes until they leave or C). Walk in and proclaim, “Well this isn’t Shriver!” and duck out.
This one’s for the ladies. Girls are flat out unable to muster the ability to poop with another girl in the bathroom. Every single girl on this campus has been engaged in a heated pooping standoff. Some girls panic when they can’t pee fast enough that they may give the impression they are there on another mission. Hate to break it to you, but it’s no secret after silence takes over the stalls for a solid three minutes. Or once the motion detecting lights turn off. Girls would rather run to a private stall in Armstrong or even FOSSILIZE before doing the deed in the presence of another girl. Guys, they poop. They poop everywhere, anytime. No problem.
We had one for the ladies, now one for the gents. Just as girls hate pooping in each other’s presence, guys can’t seem to muster the strength to pee standing right next to another guy. Be it out of fear that the one will see the other’s tiny wiener, or that… well, that’s probably it. If you want to make a guy more uncomfortable than a girl in a pooping standoff, stand next to him when all the other urinals are empty.
Girls when it comes to peeing, do it groups. Herds. STAMPEDES. They’ll hold each other’s dresses up. Guys, need a urinal buffer.
So if you find yourself in a bathroom at Miami, just be respectful. Wash your hands, don’t shit in the tub, and respect your own gender’s rules when it comes to poopin’ and peein’ next to each other. It’s a strange phenomenon that we humans decided to designate special areas to do this in each other’s presence, but it’s a phenomenon we have to live with.