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The Top 10 Places to Tan at Miami

The sun’s out and you’re looking at your Instagram pics, then back down at your pasty-ass legs, and realizing that spring break bronze is fading. Unless you’re that chill bro who wears shorts throughout the winter, your legs are out and they need to be tan. Check out these top 10 places to get your bronze on. 


10.) Cook Field:
During your campus tour they said this is where “the sports take place,” but what they didn’t tell you is that this is actually more where the towels fill the turf and tanning oils fill the air. Hit it up after your 11:30 marketing class in Farmer — it’s in the middle of everything and the sun hits it just right.


9.) Central Quad:
You may have to put up with srat girls gossiping about Jill “getting so fucked up at formal and puking everywhere” but the rays you catch here are just great, and that view. Who doesn’t want to stare at that Sun Dial all day? Communists, that’s who.


8.) Tennis Courts:
If you have the wonderful pleasure of living all the way on North Quad, make use of the tennis courts. You know, the ones right by Millet that no one goes to because it’s further than Western. 


7.) Western Shrine:
The religious looking shrine across from Peabody, it’s unclear what it’s for but tanning would sure be a good use of the space. Jesus’ tan was on fleek, so you know he wouldn’t care if you spotted up next to all those pretty trees and flowers to get a little toasted.


6.) Richard/ Hamilton Hall:
There are an infinite amount of secret places to tan in these buildings — it’s like they built it just for girls to tan in peaceful privacy during the whole two days of 80 degree weather we have on this campus. The best spot is the roof, get out there play some T. Swift, drink a marg, and look down on all the plebeians “going to class.”


5.) Side Bar Patio:
For all of you drunkards out there, aka 75% of Miami’s student body, you’ll be surprised when you wake up the next morning with tan lines left from  Will’s pizza sauce off of your face… and chest, for some reason.


4.) Football Stadium:
You don’t need to be a stellar athlete to come to the stadium, that’s for sure. If anything, try not to lay in any sort of football formation, lest people will come sit in the stands and think you’re the team. BURN NOTICE (pun intended).


3.) The Bluffs:
This is perfect if you’re not into showing those pasty legs to people, because there will be no one there. Well, no one besides the few lost stoners who wandered down there on 4/20 and haven’t found their way out yet.


2.) Hawks Landing:
Get your tan on here. Why? Because it has a POOL dummy! Splash around, sip on a mimosa, bring the mimosa in the pool, spill the mimosa, drink the pool and enjoy the beautiful 60-degree weather that we call summer.


1.) Tanning Bed:
This is the easy way out but probably the most effective. Fake and bake. There is a chance of skin cancer of course, but when you look nice and bronze at Broken then who really cares how long you life, right?

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