Our collegiate athletes can get away with a lot—they can park where they please, combo as often as they want, and even cut in the omelet line, just because they’re bigger than us and really good at scoring touchdowns. We at The Black Sheep have complied a list of the top ten crimes we let our athletes commit every day.
When you throw your coffee cup in a bush, you get dirty looks and reprimanded; when a football player does it, someone picks up their trash and sells it on the Free and For Sale page. This creates a false economy around used coffee cups and a horrid apotheosis of football players, and must be stopped. All litterers should be treated equally.
9.) Parking Illegally:
When you park illegally just once, you get six parking tickets and framed for murder, but that would never happen to an athlete. An athlete’s chariot gets to park anywhere on campus, and this is just disgusting. If student athletes are free from parking tickets, student employees should be, too.
8.) Getting Two Combos:
Nothing is worse than watching an athlete go up to the Sparty’s counter with a quesadilla and an apple when you just saw them use their combo at the Union Pizzeria. You would think with all the extra food they’re getting they could win a game.
7.) Not Using Bike Lanes:
When you ride outside of the bike lines, the MSU police chase after and ticket you, but when an athlete rides outside of the bike lanes, people part like the Red Sea to make sure they get to class on time—because grades are the reason they’re here.
6.) Cutting in the Omelet Line:
Cutting in the Omelet line for anyone else is a sacrilege punishable by public shaming, but whenever an athlete cuts in line, everyone looks away and quietly lets them. Sure, they’re pissed about having to wait for an omelet, but it’s not worth upsetting a school hero.
5.) Stealing from the Caf:
When you shoved eight mugs, silverware, and 40 Sny-Phi cookies into your backpack, a caf worker chased you out, but when an athlete does it, no one bats an eye. The damage that this does to the university is abominable—those mugs and silverware have to be replaced, and those cookies could have been shared.
4.) Underage Drinking:
Most under-21s can’t walk down Grand River without fear of an MIP, but athletes can throw huge parties and lie about it, and no one says a word. Let’s face it, an MIP could ruin an athlete’s life, and with them so shiny and full of promise, we wouldn’t want that.
3.) Sharing Netflix Passwords:
Sharing Netflix passwords is highly contraband and unethical, so how dare athletes behave as if they are exempt from piracy laws? Athletes sharing passwords left and right is highly embarrassing for the entire student body, and if you, a lowly, out-of-shape student were to do anything like that, the shame would probably eat you alive.
Athletes are the only students who can get away with crossing Farm Lane without a walk sign, and that’s just despicable. We can all pretend that we don’t see them flagrantly striding across the pavement as if they own it, but we do, and it hurts.
Man, we sure do let our football players just beat up the other team, and we don’t even care about the other team’s feelings! With all of those head-butts and tackles, people get hurt all the time.
Whether it’s because we are afraid of tarnishing the reputation of our beloved athletes or we just honestly don’t care, MSU athletes can get away with a whole lot. Except field hockey players; they’re pretty much just students.
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