Your first exam is just around the corner, and homework is piling up, so it’s time to start getting serious. As your inevitable first mental breakdown of the year approaches, The Black Sheep has complied a list of the worst possible places to make a scene while you cry over a spilled Starbucks, or some equally trivial last straw.
10.) On the Banks of the Red Cedar:
A classic location to feed ducks, spread out a blanket, and then ignore a textbook while spending an hour on Facebook, the banks of the Red Cedar is an objectively bad spot to break out the tissues while trying to schedule an advising appointment. Sure, there’s no way you’re going to graduate on time, but do you really want all of your happy classmates to know that?
9.) Your Hot TA’s Office Hours:
There are a lot of creative things to do when alone in an office with your hot TA, but bursting into tears and unloading your entire life’s story is not one of them. You may never fully understand calculus, but look on the bright side—as long as you’re struggling, this bearded babe will be there to walk you through it.
8.) The Grand River CVS:
The Grand River CVS is not only a very public place to have a mental breakdown, but you will also totally end up on someone’s Snap Story. Plus, the pharmacist selling you Plan B neither cares nor wants to hear about how your mom ignored your text, you’re already behind in every class, and how you can’t find a shade of eyeliner that matches your favorite outfit. Maybe bottle that shit up at least until you’re out the door.
7.) Club Lib, Past Midnight:
If you’re in the Lib past midnight, you’ve entered an endurance race with every other soul still in the library—the person in the Lib the longest gets a 4.0 and a deep sense of personal pride. Having a mental breakdown in the Lib is not only to lose, but is the true definition of weakness.
6.) A High Table in the Sny-Phi Caf:
If you’re lucky enough to snag the best seat in the house, you have no reason to be wiping your nose and wilding out. Maybe your grades are trash, your job prospects zero, and you spent Saturday night vomiting because you were sick (not drunk), but hey, you’ve got a high table with an outlet—that’s a win!
5.) On the Floor of the BCC, Outside Starbucks:
So the barista gave you a hot caramel macchiato instead of an iced caramel macchiato – still, the Business College Complex is not a good spot to call your mom and tell that “it’s been, like, a long day.” The floor there is gross, sticky, and already tear stained, and there are benches outside—take your pity party elsewhere.
4.) The Back of Your Orgo Lecture:
This is actually a totally acceptable place to pull out the tissues and cry your eyes out. Odds are, half of the class is right there with you, and the other half will just be like “same.” Do you know how to change an ester into an ether? No, but neither does anyone else in the room.
3.) The Backseat of a Rover That I Know You Can’t Afford:
How is your rekindled flame supposed to write an obnoxious-but-catchy song about you if you flood the backseat of his car with tears? There are better places and people to gush about your dead cat and abysmal grades to than some guy you dated back in Boulder.
2.) The Farm Lane Walk Sign:
A biker riding outside of the bike lane clipped your shoulder, spilling hot coffee down your shirt, but no matter how much those third degree burns hurt, losing your cool in front of dozens of other students lined
up for their 12:40s is probably a bad idea. Collapsing on the curb to sob like a Disney princess doesn’t exactly scream mental stability.
1.) Rick’s, on a Tuesday:
You’ve got emails to reply to, homework to do, an exam in two days, and you’re on your fourth long island in some bottom-of-the-barrel college club. What better way to wow your peers with how put-together you are than drunk calling your mom from Rick’s on a Tuesday night to tell her how much you miss her shitty kale brownies and how sorry you are for kicking her out of your dorm during freshman move-in? There’s no better way.
Be it the Grand River CVS or Rick’s, hold off on that mental breakdown ‘til you’re in the safety of your apartment, your shower, or better yet, your Orgo lecture.