We’re well on our way to the end of the semester, so you know what that means? Your will to perform has plateaued, and that’s putting it nicely. What it actually did was plummet straight down to Hell to join your GPA. Might as well enjoy the ride, so here are the 10 things to do instead of trying.
10.) Actually Go to IM West:
Honestly, we aren’t too sure how anybody has any time to work out between studying and scheduled breakdowns. At least, we weren’t sure until we punted our motivation past any visible horizon. Suddenly, time isn’t real, and what goes better with existential dread than some burpees?
9.) Take the Elevator With That One Girl From Class You Kinda Know:
Maybe you’ve teamed up when told to find a partner, or she turned and said, “Ugh, I hate this class,” and you responded with the classic, “Haha, yeah.” Now you’re stuck with whatever-the-hell-her-name-is, wondering whether or not your foundation is strong enough to acknowledge her outside of a classroom. She’s looking at her phone, and you’re hoping if you turn enough to the side she won’t recognize you.
8.) Coach the Hockey Team:
Their coach just ditched them for the field hockey team, so somebody’s got to step up and be their new dad. You’ll face some backlash at first; that always happens to the step-parent of children who just had theirs walk out on them. They need to learn to trust again. Have you ever seen Are We There Yet? with Ice Cube? Like that.
7.) Track Down the Matching Sock for Each Lost One:
Everyone has left the laundry room with a fallen soldier still on the battlefield. It’s now your job to find these wounded, pair-less foot cozies and return them to their brethren. You’re like the sock bounty hunter or one of those Freeform shows about ancestry that nobody watches so it’s canceled after a month.
6.) Call Your Grandmother:
She’d love to tell you about how her petunias are thriving this spring! She thought the fickle weather would do them in, and those little Easter bunnies running around the yard definitely weren’t helping them grow! Oh, she loved seeing you at Easter, by the way. She misses you! Are you eating enough, pudding pop?
5.) Listen to That One Guy From Tinder’s SoundCloud:
Robbie loves that you messaged him first, but he doesn’t love that you ghosted after he sent you his SoundCloud link. He’s been using Garage Band since eighth grade, and there are tons of girls trying to sleep with him, so you should feel flattered he decided to trust you with seeing his craft before asking you to bone. That shows he cares.
4.) Watch the Disney Channel Original Movie Heavyweights:
Have you seen this cinematic masterpiece? It’s a Disney movie all about telling kids how fat and worthless they are. Then, because these were edgier times, they iced this crap cake with a whole hell of a lot of swearing for the family friendly network. This is a goddamn national treasure brought to you courtesy of Netflix. You’re welcome for the recommendation.
3.) Take the Know-It-All Go-Hard From Our HST Class on a Romantic Date to Peanut Barrel:
You knew he was the one when your prof had to tell that white boy wearing sandals in the middle of winter to stop speaking Japanese in a Japanese history class because nobody knows the language but him, and that fuckstick answered, “Oh, I didn’t even notice I was doing it.” If you had to choose between a bullet and studying, you’d choose taking that piece of shit out for a Reuben at Peanut Barrel, though, despite it not being an option.
2.) Drain the Flooded Red Cedar with a Bendy Straw:
Notice we said “bendy straw” and not “swirly straw”, because we really want you to hate this. You know what you’ll always hate more, though? Your schoolwork. Take a big swig, kiddo. Try not to suck up any bike parts.
1.) Pluck Every Hair Off of Lou Anna K. Simon’s Head:
We’re not too sure how many hairs she has, but our educated guess is at least 16. We’ll lend you our rustiest pair of tweezers so you can squat over her, orangutan-bug-picking style, and get to pluckin’. One by one, they go, a beautiful Lou Anna K. bouquet building at your feet. The bald spot on her head grows, but the void in your heart shrinks.
Sorry, we forgot what we were talking about. All we can think about is Lou Anna’s mesmerizingly shiny noggin. Be free to no longer try and not feel bad about it, our little future failures.