There’s no denying campus is a dangerous place— from the devil CATA to the wild card bikers, there is no guarantee of making it through any day on campus. Here are ten ways you could meet your demise at Michigan State.
10.) Death by Bogue Street Bridge:
The design of this bridge is a trap. The sidewalk is maybe 3 feet wide, and with the river on one side and the road on the other there is no win. So when some group of freshman all decide to walk side by side while 6 or 7 bikers try to pass them with a bunch of cars going 40 miles per hour in the road, someone is going to end up either in the river or flattened on the pavement. Take your pick.
9.) Death by Ghost:
Mary Mayo Hall is haunted as shit. The piano plays itself, lights flicker, the fourth floor is sealed off, and the painting of Mary Mayo watches you. Make eye contact with her for too long, and it’s a sure way to meet an early death.
8.) Death by CATA:
There are two easy ways to get crushed by a CATA bus. The first is to simply enter a road that you see a CATA on at any point. It will find a way to hit you. The second is to try and use the bike rack. Try and use the bike rack and the underbelly of the CATA will be your last sight on our sweet Earth.
6.) Death by Biker:
These irreverent assholes will just bike anywhere, with no regard for the fact that a bike lane even exists. On any given day, there’s a decent chance one will crash into you and send you flying over the railing into the Red Cedar.
7.) Death by Parking Ticket:
No matter where you park on campus, you will get a parking ticket. This sort of death will sneak up on you— one day, you’ve got 7 unpaid parking tickets, no big deal. The next, you are literally drowning in parking tickets.
5.) Death by Humiliation:
This is the slow death you die when you walk into your lecture 10 minutes late, take a seat, and then realize that you need the handout in the front of the room next to the professor. So you walk in front of 400 people to the front of the room, and try to avoid eye contact with your Professor while you grab that handout. With any luck, the ground will open up and swallow you right then and there.
4.) Death by Tray Return:
One wrong move— you lean over too far, or maybe a sleeve gets stuck, and the next thing you know you’ve been sucked into the tray return!
3.) Death by Sparty’s Coffee:
Can anyone confirm that this is real coffee and not just water taken from the Red Cedar and put in a mug? You’ll succumb to waves of cramps and vomiting as this slow poison makes its way through your system.
2.) Death by Bad Pun Professor:
We’ve all had one of these— a professor who decides to start off class with a light and relatable joke. After a while, the puns start to slowly deaden your sense of humor, and the disease only spreads from there.
1.) Death by Cyclotron Accident:
We at The Black Sheep don’t know what’s going on at MSU’s National Superconducting Cyclotron Laboratory, but rare isotope beams sounds like a cover up to us. Our best guess? They’ve got a Demogorgon down there. Whatever it is, it’ll get you.
Whether it’s something as normal as getting hit by a CATA bus or as crazy and superhero-y as getting attacked by the Cyclotron, make sure to keep an eye out for opportunities to succumb to an early death.
If you can survive a tailgate, you can survive a zombie apocalypse.