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2 Bros, 1 Moped: Frat Brothers Would Rather Die Than Touch Each Other

Spotted speeding down Grand River, Patagonia jackets viciously blowing in the wind, were two frat brothers on their way to class.

The Black Sheep, who may or may not have been stalking them by driving alongside the sleek black moped, noticed that the brother riding on the back was not holding on to the driver. In fact, he was avoiding touching his brother in any way, his hands glued to the sides of the moped.

“I’m all for safety. I know all the classics: stop, drop, and roll, lay on your side so you don’t choke on your vomit, call 711 in an emergency, don’t stick forks in a toaster, all that good shit.” said Kappa Kappa Ballsack (KKB) brother, Patrick Meredith. “I’m not a dumb guy, but like, do people really expect me to wrap my arms around my bro?”

Patrick made it clear he would much rather die than hold onto his brother for safety, and judging by Patrick’s logic, that just might be the better option.

“I never said that he shouldn’t hold on to me, it’s just implied,” said aggressively heterosexual brother, Tony Collura. “I say, ‘you need a ride bro?’ and he’s like, ‘yeah bro’, and then we do our thang.”

The Black Sheep began to wonder if we should just let natural selection take its course, or inform Patrick and Tony that safety does not need to threaten their fragile masculinity.

“I’m a bit nervous for him,” said Bri McClain, Patrick’s girlfriend. “I wish he would just hold on. I considered buying Tony a blonde wig so Patrick could feel like I was the one driving, but Patrick said he couldn’t pretend like that.” Bri let out a long sigh, and we sighed along with her, feeling sympathetic for her and her partner choices.

The Black Sheep decided to let them do their “thang.” Safety first, kids!



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